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I started this blog as a place where I could share my son with the world. It started out as Dear Finley, a place where I could write letters to my boy, and to really get the feelings surrounding his death out into the world. I didn’t realise at the time how healing it would be to be a part of such a wonderful loss community. The bonds I’ve made with other families simply because I put myself out there has proved to be incredible. I know that for some of my readers, reading my words was almost a safe haven in the early days of your losses, in the way that the blogs of others were to me. It was those initial blogs that I read, and speaking to those around me that I realised the true power of words.

Putting myself on display for the world to see was very scary at first. People didn’t realise that this was my place to vent and say the things that needed to be said. I lost a few friends who I thought would be in my life forever because of unfair judgements based solely on what was written here, never being asked how I was actually doing on a day to day basis. I didn’t always feel the need to write on the good days, or to share the good things because I was busy living them. It was the negative things and the painful things that I needed to share, as they were eating me alive. Literally.

As time went on, I began to really enjoy blogging for blogging’s sake. I enjoy the creative process, learning more about design and wanting to make my little corner of the internet look nice. It was part of the reason I have taken up photography as a serious hobby. I realised I didn’t only want to write about the negative things – I am a bright and creative individual who is not solely defined by the death of my son. It has take a long time for me to realise that, and sometimes I still don’t believe it, but I believe I have more to offer the world.

This prompted the name change to The Stars Apart. Steve and I had the poem by E. E. Cummings read by my sister-in-law at our wedding. We had no idea then that life would bring us the death of our first born child before we ever really got to have him here with us. I had no idea then how much more significant that poem would become to me when I literally had to carry Finley with me in my heart. At the time, I was also on an extended separation from my husband, Steve, and our dog, Jacob. We were in the process of a massive multinational move which required my husband to immigrate. I found myself living literally apart from all of my boys, and the poem seemed more appropriate than ever. And the stars apart was born at that point; it just seemed to fit.

While I still write a lot about my loss, I’ve allowed this space to become my own little corner of the world wide web. I like to share the things that I’m working on creatively, whether that’s knitting, photography, scrapbooking (project life), or anything else that I decide to try down the line. I enjoy updating the people who have followed my journey on what is going on with me now. And I especially hope that other babylost families stumble upon this place and find it a comfort, both in the early days and as a source of hope that the future does get brighter eventually.

I guess the way to describe this blog now is a reflection of my life. Life can be all sorts of beautiful, magical and inspiring, but even as my heart becomes ever so slightly lighter, I will always carry my son with me in all that I do. He will always be the inspiration for my blog, and ultimately the reason for the way that I am now. And to me that’s a beautiful thing.

i carry your heart by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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