Hello anyone who may still venture here to check up on me. It has been a LONG time since I have written. I’m not sure why that is – I think it is a combination of life being utterly exhausting and also the fact that I don’t feel quite so FULL of emotion that it needs to be written down so that it doesn’t just burst forth from inside me.
This will be my third year participating in the Right Where I Am project. If you’d like, you can go back and read my previous posts: Right Where I Am: Four Months, One Week and One Day and Right Where I Am 2013: Fourteen Months and One Week.
So where am I now? That’s really hard to say. It has been a very emotionally trying year for me. I lived through the time apart from Steve and Jacob somehow. We are still learning how to all live together again. We have started the legal proceedings against the hospital where Finley was born. I will write more about this at some point, but I think we are coming nearer to a conclusion (hopefully) and so I don’t want to write anything here that may jeopardize that. Suffice it to say that the process has been very long, very emotional, very difficult and very, very frustrating.
I seem to be reaching a new low point in the last few months. I feel tired all of the time. My temper can get the best of me before I even realise I’m upset. Pregnancy and birth updates have not gotten any easier for me, in part because we have not yet conceived again yet.
I seem to still be going through life just waiting for life to begin again. That seems odd, as I do get up and work and spend time with people that I love. I do things that I enjoy, laugh, smile. And yet, that empty feeling prevails. I know there will always be a semblance of that in my life – the hole where Finley should have been. And yet, the thing that is feeling most frustrating right now is that we haven’t yet welcomed a younger sibling for Finley into our family yet.
I know I should not base my entire life around whether or not we have more children. But right now, ONLY the thought of one day having a family is getting me through.
Each month is a new disappointment; a new way in which I’ve failed. I put so much pressure on myself to conceive, that I’m sure it is the reason we haven’t. But I am desperate. The yearning in my heart is so intense, I haven’t yet found a way to quieten the desire.
I struggle with feelings of guilt for wanting to conceive – am I being unfaithful to Finley by wanting to have another baby?
Adding to that the fact that I am still fighting tooth and nail for justice for Finley’s wrongful death. His perfect little life was robbed so abruptly from us. Maybe the fact that I haven’t found peace with it is the reason I’m not conceiving?
I walk between two different worlds – the one where I am an adult with no dependents, and the one where I am a mother without her child. That reality is heartbreaking. People who have decided to live childless do so because they want to be selfish with nights out, travels, and less responsibility. I have those same freedoms, but I resent them. I want to be worrying about things like bed times, child care, and making ends meet so that I can be a stay at home mum. I want the sleepless nights, normal parental anxiety and less of a social life.
Every single day that passes in my life without Finley, without any living children, is another day that passes where I am not living the life that I want for myself. People tell me that I need to have hope for the future and enjoy the now and not worry about ‘it’ so much. But how can a person forget about a dream? How can I give up the one thing that feels like the ONLY thing that I was truly made to do? I’m used to fighting for what I want. I’m used to working hard for my goals. I’m not used to anything being so incredibly out of reach! I’ve always been the kind of person that has been gifted with many traits that made almost anything attainable. I am persistent, resourceful, smart and brave. And I put those traits to use every single month to no avail. I feel like a complete failure. I feel broken. And I find it incredibly hard to imagine a future that doesn’t feel so empty and yet so very heavy.
If I had one wish for my life now, it would be to feel like my old self. Unhindered by knowledge and grief. Excited about opportunities and life in general. I miss waking up each morning looking forward to what the day would bring. I am currently getting through each moment as it comes. Sometimes I get distracted for awhile, but my mind always ends up in the same place.
I’m hoping that my post next year will be a little happier. I hope that I have good news and hope. As for right now, I will just keep on surviving.