I cannot believe that we are already 26 days into 2014. The time just seems to vanish and yet it drags all at the same time. My time at work (14 days straight away from home at a time) drags by, and my week off at home seems to go by far too quick.
When I’m sitting at work in a fairly isolated part of Northern Alberta, I think of so many things I want to do! And yet with nothing here I can’t do it. It frustrates me to no end. So I wait for the whole two weeks and then try to squish everything into 7 days. Rinse and repeat.
And so I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I’d like this new year to bring. I want to live with intent.
Sometime around New Years, I decided to pick a word for 2014. The one that instantly sprung to mind for me is ‘worthy’. Even sharing it ‘out loud’ here makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and emotional. For me, after all of the terrible things that have happened in my life, my confidence has been knocked – a lot. And so I’m going to spend the year making myself believe that I am completely worthy not only of my own self-acceptance, but also of having good things happen to me.
Finley dying was the straw the broke the camel’s back. Despite everything else that has ever happened, I’ve managed to pick myself up, dust myself off, and thrive. But after Finley died, I was so low that I literally managed to convince myself that there must be something wrong with me to have so many things happen to me. (I realise I’m alluding to things happening that I’ve never spoken of on the blog…)
I’ve carried on in the cycle of self-loathing for almost two years now. I’ve lived but I haven’t lived. I’ve coped but I haven’t coped. I’ve survived but in so many ways I am still dying inside. I don’t want for that to be my life forever. And so I need to train myself to believe once again that I am worthy.
With this belief I hope to achieve a few goals this year. They’re not hard and fast, but I’m going to list them here for a bit of accountability.
- Work on maintaining some record keeping of our lives – I take hundreds (probably more like thousands) of photos every single year that just sit on my computer. That sucks. I plan to do some hardcore photo printing and creating some Project Life type scrapbooking albums. Once the photos are printed, this is actually something I can work on in the evenings while in camp at work.
- Eat healthier – Steve and I are terrible convenience eaters. I find it hard to be good when I’m home, because after two weeks of eating crappy camp food, I really just want to eat what I want to eat. I want to make an effort this year to try new foods and new recipes.
- Start an exercise regime – Nothing too hardcore. Something manageable that I can incorporate into my day to day life and stick with. My weight gain has gotten to be too much for even my liking since Finley died, and I would like to get back to looking healthy and glowy like I did around the time I got married/was pregnant.
- Get a resolution on our claim against the hospital where Finley was born – I haven’t mentioned here yet, but we have found lawyers who can help us and we are proceeding with legal action. I will write more on this later.
- Buy a house in Canada – we already have a house in England, but we would now like to buy a house in Canada. Hopefully we will manage it this year, but if not, we won’t be far off as we will be making great strides to make this dream a reality.
- Get pregnant – if you read my previous post, you will know I’m going through some hormonal problems. I hope we manage to get everything where it should be and that this will be the year Finley’s little brother or sister will be conceived.
- Take a holiday – you’ll probably find it hard to believe with all of the travelling Steve and I have done even since I’ve started this blog, but we’ve never taken a proper ‘holiday’ together. Everywhere we’ve been has been for one reason or another, and I think it is time we rectified it.
- Work more on building my photography portfolio – taking photographs has become something that I am extremely passionate about. I want to learn even more about my camera’s capabilities, and become more confident in my own ability.
- See the northern lights – this has become a bit of an obsession recently which you will know if you are on my facebook. It is not at all impossible to see the aurora where we live in Canada, so I plan to pay attention to all of the forecasts so that Steve and I can see (and hopefully photograph) this amazing natural phenomenon.
- Spend more time with my loved ones – this is really hard with what I do for work, but I want my time to be spent in meaningful ways.
And now I am done with my goals – I’m sure I’ll think of more, but this seems like a rather ambitious place to start. Wish me luck.
And now for a couple more photos from 2014 so far!!