I have been incredibly happy with Steve and Jacob finally being here (I am working on an update on this that I will post soon – I promise!) and we’ve been keeping busy with friends and family and putting our home together. But it’s made me realise that the super long wait has finally ended and that even though we are together now, there is still a huge part of me that feels empty. The place where Finley should be. I guess I wasn’t really prepared for the sadness that came along with the joy even though you think I would be used to it by now. I think that maybe it has truly been THAT long that I’ve felt true happiness, that when my heart was so full with the excitement and elation of finally reuniting with my family, it only heightened the awareness of the part of me that will always be missing.
A very good friend of mine from Italy had her baby a couple of days ago. They didn’t know the gender before birth. I was completely not expecting a birth announcement when I logged in to facebook, but the first thing on my newsfeed was a picture of their beautiful baby boy and I instantly burst into tears at my desk at work. They were tears of relief, anger, jealousy, resentment, love, joy and bitterness. Tears of exhaustion, failure, self-pity.
Their baby was born in the same hospital as Finley. I think that was what made it hardest. Why does everyone else get to bring their babies home? Why did Finley have to die? How could the military make my friend deliver in the hospital that we are going to sue?
This friend though was so good to me. She spent time with me after Finley was born and I was so poorly. She was there with me just after he died. She didn’t avoid me and she did what she could to help me, and so I could never begrudge her this happiness. I think it just hurts more knowing that she is truly living the life that we should have had. Having our first child, a little boy, in Italy. Perhaps our boys would have spent time growing up together.
Situations like this make me question everything – where would we be now if Finley was alive? Back in the UK in July like originally planned, or would our posting have been extended like theirs? Would I be pregnant again? I know for sure we wouldn’t be here in Canada.
And so I spent the day at work mostly crying, failing to concentrate and feeling completely and helplessly sorry for myself. I have some good friends here who let me rant and moan and cry. Who don’t pretend to understand but who offer to listen. And that helps a lot.
And deep down I am truly happy for our friends on the arrival of their new baby boy.