My dearest sweet little boy,
How different life would look if you were here with me now…18 months is a super fun age. I see photos of friends kids who are near the same age as you would be and it still hurts. It will always hurt.
If you were here, I imagine we’d just be moving back to England from Italy. You and I would have spent a lot of time in the sun with the other mummies and children. Play groups and dates with the swimming pool. And I imagine finding such joy in the little things. The wonder on your face when you find something new to play with. The looks of concentration as you learn to do new things. What would you look like now? What would it feel like to get a soggy kiss from my boy?
Will I ever find that joy again? The simple joy?
Your daddy and Jacob are going to be in Canada very soon. Jacob gets here in 22 days and daddy gets here in 24 days. It’s getting so close but still feels out of reach. And when I think of finally being reunited with my boys, I so wish that you were going to be with us too.
And the other thing that your daddy getting here means….is we finally can start to try for a little brother or sister for you. I try not to think about it too much – what if we can’t get pregnant again? What if it takes a very long time? What if I have a miscarriage? Stillbirth? Or lose another baby after birth?
I wish that I could take all of the fear away and jump into things whole heartedly like I used to. I didn’t used to be afraid of life. A move across the world on my own? No problem. Trying to get to a place where I can live inside the beauty of the little things after losing you? I’m not entirely sure it’s possible.
A year and a half ago you left us forever, and these big milestones still hit pretty hard. People don’t really remember anymore. Or if they do, they don’t tell me as much. The world moves on, and I guess I have as well. But there will always be a part of me that died with you. And there will always be a part of you here with me.
I love you little man.
Love mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxo