Somebody please tell me that the jealousy gets easier in time.
So far this week I’ve had three pregnancy announcements – two from friends expecting rainbows, and one from a friend who has undergone IVF to get pregnant. My initial reaction is overwhelming happiness and excitedness for them, as obviously all three of these wonderful women have been through so incredibly much to get to this point. But then comes the sinking feeling in my stomach. I am completely jealous.
We are now 15 months past Finley’s death. Nearly two years past the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time and my anticipation of becoming a mother began. And we are still no closer to even trying to conceive a brother or sister for Finley, let alone bringing a baby home.
It is hard. I wish that I could say I am okay with this. But as time goes on, my heart just hurts that I am not yet on the journey of having another baby.
When I was pregnant, my goals for life changed so much. Suddenly my career didn’t really seem to matter. I just want to be a mum. I feel like there is nothing else that will fulfil me now, and when Finley died, I genuinely feel like my entire planned life was snatched away from me along with him.
For us, having a baby was a decision. We weighed our decision, and made it together. I don’t know how to go back on that decision that we made; I can’t go back on it. For two years now I have been waiting, waiting, waiting. And everything just feels so empty.
For those of you who have been here – how did you cope? Because I feel like I’m the only person in the world (I know…dramatic) who has had to wait *THIS* long to try for a rainbow.