This Is Me

Okay, so today is a new day, and reading back on my post last night, I was being slightly dramatic.
I sometimes feel like I’m always being overdramatic, or that at least that’s how I feel like people see me. “Why is she not over it yet? Why is it still so hard for her to see (or even hear about) pregnant women and babies? Why does she feel the need to spill her guts on the internet?” In my mind this is how I imagine that people feel. I sometimes wonder if people are getting sick of hearing about how sad I am that my son died – about how hard my life is.
And yet, I am sad. I would keep it all in and try to act normally, except that I can’t. If I did I think I would explode from the enormity of the feelings. Big, horrible and scary feelings. Overwhelming and earth shattering feelings. And emptiness. So much emptiness.
So I guess I want to thank those of you who are still standing by me. Thank you for putting up with me even though I know you’re probably getting sick of hearing me repeat myself over and over. Thank you for being there even though I am probably negative as often as I am positive (or even more than). Thank you for not pushing too hard for me to ‘get better’. And I’m sorry if I make it hard to love me and be around me. I’m sorry that I’m not the same happy person that I was before. I’m sorry that I’m not as much fun.
I know I’m lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I know that if I don’t manage to conquer my anxiety about babies and pregnancy that I will end up missing out on some very sweet parts of life. I know that I should be happy for people who have their babies alive at home (and I am, but in a different way than I used to be). I know all of these things, but saying them and doing them are two entirely different things. It hurts.
I also know that the only way to survive this grief is to do what I’m doing. To share my feelings and my words and my son. I realise that not everyone would put themselves out there in such a vulnerable way – on the internet for anyone to see, but for me it helps. It helps to get it out. It helps to know that I can own my feelings and not be ashamed of them. People can read them or not. People can agree with them or not. But in the end, more good has come from blogging and the online community than harm. I will try to write more about the good days, because there are good days. It just seems I always feel like writing when I’m in a bad place. When I’m in a good place and enjoying life, it doesn’t really cross my mind as much to sit and share it – I’d rather be out there living it.
So here I am. This is me.

 

I grieve. I blog. I survive.

5 thoughts on “This Is Me

  1. Lisa, do whatever you need to do to heal. We’ll never be the same again after what has happened to us. It’s not something I chose, but like you I feel the need to speak about what happened in order to feel myself again x

  2. I didn’t think you were being over dramatic…not one bit. Your baby died! What else would be the appropriate response? Every single moment of every single day, your life is not what it should be. Being in the company of people who have NO CLUE what that pain is like (other pregnant/new mommies), or seeing things on TV that trigger the memories of our trauma is NOT being over dramatic. It’s opening the deep and extremely painful wound time and time again. I certainly hope you don’t ever feel there is something wrong with feeling the immense pain that comes from losing the baby we so wanted and loved. Who wouldn’t hurt so deeply? The only people who think someone needs to move on are the people who don’t get it at all. You have ever right on this earth to hurt for as long as you need. Your life is forever changed. ((Hugs)) I’m not good at commenting, but I nod my head along all the time as I’m reading. You feel what I feel. We are mamas who are trying to live with huge holes in our hearts. No one can do it alone. You are doing it beautifully <3

  3. Whatever it takes to get through each day, each moment, is what you need to do.

  4. Blogging and talking to other babyloss mamas has helped me immensely… sometimes I wonder why or how it’s helped because I’m not usually one to share my feelings openly especially with the entire world. Granted, I know that the entire world doesn’t read my blog, but I feel like there is something healing about putting all my honest thoughts and feelings out there for anyone to read. I feel like I have to allow my blog to be a safe place for me, where I know I can go any time and not feel judged or pressure to get over Gabriel. The real world is hard enough… you should know that this is a place you can go to receive love and support. xx

    P.S. I am really loving your new blog layout!

  5. Sarah

    Let it all out!!! Make no apologies. Finley is your son. He’s not in your arms where he belongs. That’s more drama than tv could possibly pull off honestly. dramatic? Sure. Over dramatic?? Not at all. Your surviving hell. You’re honoring your sweet boy. You deserve at least the chance to do that however you see fit, whenever you need to.

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