Okay, so today is a new day, and reading back on my post last night, I was being slightly dramatic.
I sometimes feel like I’m always being overdramatic, or that at least that’s how I feel like people see me. “Why is she not over it yet? Why is it still so hard for her to see (or even hear about) pregnant women and babies? Why does she feel the need to spill her guts on the internet?” In my mind this is how I imagine that people feel. I sometimes wonder if people are getting sick of hearing about how sad I am that my son died – about how hard my life is.
And yet, I am sad. I would keep it all in and try to act normally, except that I can’t. If I did I think I would explode from the enormity of the feelings. Big, horrible and scary feelings. Overwhelming and earth shattering feelings. And emptiness. So much emptiness.
So I guess I want to thank those of you who are still standing by me. Thank you for putting up with me even though I know you’re probably getting sick of hearing me repeat myself over and over. Thank you for being there even though I am probably negative as often as I am positive (or even more than). Thank you for not pushing too hard for me to ‘get better’. And I’m sorry if I make it hard to love me and be around me. I’m sorry that I’m not the same happy person that I was before. I’m sorry that I’m not as much fun.
I know I’m lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I know that if I don’t manage to conquer my anxiety about babies and pregnancy that I will end up missing out on some very sweet parts of life. I know that I should be happy for people who have their babies alive at home (and I am, but in a different way than I used to be). I know all of these things, but saying them and doing them are two entirely different things. It hurts.
I also know that the only way to survive this grief is to do what I’m doing. To share my feelings and my words and my son. I realise that not everyone would put themselves out there in such a vulnerable way – on the internet for anyone to see, but for me it helps. It helps to get it out. It helps to know that I can own my feelings and not be ashamed of them. People can read them or not. People can agree with them or not. But in the end, more good has come from blogging and the online community than harm. I will try to write more about the good days, because there are good days. It just seems I always feel like writing when I’m in a bad place. When I’m in a good place and enjoying life, it doesn’t really cross my mind as much to sit and share it – I’d rather be out there living it.
So here I am. This is me.