Reasons Why it Sucks to Have a Dead Baby (Right Now)

I’m hiding in my room because my roommates have friends over and one of the friends is heavily pregnant. It’s been a hard week and the idea of trying to make polite conversation with people I hardly know just isn’t doing it for me right now – especially since this mama to be is a very excited first time mother, who, like I did when I was pregnant with Finley, apparently doesn’t want to talk about much else. 

In my attempt at protecting my heart this evening, I thought I’d have a quiet night catching up on tv on my laptop. I’ve worked 60 hours in the past 5 days, and have 60 more to come in the next 5. I was going to watch tv and have an early night. 

First I watched an episode of Army Wives. It’s an extremely guilty pleasure of mine, and I’ve actually been watching it since before I even met my soldier husband. But of course the 9 month pregnant teenager gets hit by a car and dies on the table. Her baby is delivered by csection and they show him blue and floppy with an apgar of 3. And then of course they get him breathing and he cries and I cry and his mom is dead and I wish that Finley was alive and I had died in his place.

Then I decide to watch the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Another guilty pleasure. Of course Meredith is in labour and the baby is presenting face first. Of course she has a csection (in the dark in a storm I might add). Of course her baby comes out silently. She is screaming ‘why isn’t he crying?’ She is screaming the thing I was thinking when Finley was born, but that I was too terrified to call out. She is screaming the words I whispered to my husband who had the most devastating look on his face. And then he cries. Of course he cries. But his sats are low and he needs to go to the NICU for monitoring. She orders Derek to go with him, and he does. But Steve didn’t. Finley was alone.

And then as they are stitching her up they discover she is hemorrhaging. Of course she is (though not from her uterus – from her spleen). A resident is finishing the surgery because of course they are in a storm and the power is out and every other surgeon is busy. As she is instructing him on how to save her, she’s bleeding out on the table. She loses consciousness. It was all very scary. But of course they manage to save her life and everybody has a stupid happy ending. The episode ended with a happy shot of the happy family with their perfect alive baby. Meredith is alert and sitting up and looks completely healthy, even though she lost so much blood. I know when I lost a lot of blood I couldn’t even stay awake. Though maybe if I had been cuddling my baby, I would have been more alert. But Finley was in another hospital. Of course.

So now I am still hiding in my room, wishing I’d never watched tv. I can hear casual conversation about babies and births coming from the living room. I don’t begrudge anybody a happy healthy pregnancy. I’m also not suggesting that anybody should feel guilty for having pregnant friends that they want to spend with (or for being pregnant themselves).  But right now it sucks to be me.

The end (and sorry for the rant).

5 thoughts on “Reasons Why it Sucks to Have a Dead Baby (Right Now)

  1. What a shitty day. I’m sorry.

  2. Im sorry that you had a bad day :( I know how you feel, I know so many women pregnant at the moment, sucks when I go on facebook and my newsfeed is overloaded with pink healthy babies that they can take home.

  3. rant away Lisa… I completely hear you on this one. My cousin’s wife had a baby this week and I’ve had 3 days of watching all the family congratulate them (in the same way they did us 13 months ago)… only difference is, their baby is alive and well and going home. I’m glad they will not know about baby loss. I miss my girl :(

  4. I get you…….there is no escape… doesn’t matter where we go, or what we do….

    on hard days though, it just becomes so much harder…..

    lots of love to you and Finley xxxxx

  5. I had that same reaction to the episode of Grey’s….ouch. I’m sorry. I can tell you it does get better. 2.5 years and one rainbow baby later, I can talk about pregnancy without wanting to run away crying. But often times I still feel uncomfortable, even though I’ve successfully birthed two babies who lived.

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