Mother’s Day sucks. Especially this year. I don’t even want to pretend that I like the day.
So many of the beautiful loss mamas are so much more eloquent than me, but honestly I don’t have it in me.
I woke up this morning the same way I did last year on mother’s day. Without my husband or my son or my dog. I miss them. It sucks. It’s hard. I get to see Steve and Jacob on Friday next week (!!!), but I will never get to see Finley again. And on a day where everyone wants to ram how wonderful it is to be a mother down your throat, it feels like a repeated stabbing right through my heart. This isn’t my first Mother’s Day without Finley, but it is the first where I felt the full weight of what it meant. I will never receive a last minute thrown together card with handprints on. I will never hear him say Happy Mother’s Day mummy. I will never wake up to breakfast in bed with bits of eggshell still in the eggs because he wanted to do it himself. And it sucks. It sucks so much.
For the second year in a row, I woke up on Mother’s Day (the one in Canada, not the UK one) after having a sleepover with my friend Sheree at her mom’s house. I love Sheree and her family for their ability to just let me feel how I’m feeling. No sugarcoating, no pretense, no pressure. I can just be.
I did manage to have dinner with my mom and the rest of my family. It’s hard, but I always want my mom to know how much she is loved. Because she is and I’m grateful for her and life is just too short.
But today was crappy for more reasons than missing my son on Mother’s Day. Things I can’t go into great detail here on my blog, but suffice it to say that I feel at my wit’s end. I am tired, tired of everything being so damn hard all of the time. When will it be that things get easier and happier?
I’m going to bed in the hopes that my head won’t hurt so much tomorrow. I hope that you all managed a more peaceful day than I’ve had.
Love to you all xx