A few months back, Steve and I went to see Mumford and Sons play at the O2 Arena in London. We had dinner first and wandered around a bit. The concert itself was amazing. The band sounded even better live than they did on their album. It felt intimate even though it was in a huge venue.
And then Timshel came on. I had never really listened well to the lyrics before that moment, and it was as though as soon as the music started, I filled with emotion. Each part of the song seemed to apply and I stood there silently with tears streaming down my face. I felt like it was written specifically for me. Steve looked over at me and just knew I would be upset. He put his arm around me and I knew I wasn’t alone.
timshel - you are the mother the mother of your baby child
I am beyond grateful that somebody thought to capture this; the best moment of my life.
Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind

The world is harsh and it is hard to not let it force you to build up walls around your heart and mind. Terrible things happen; the more they do the more I seem to get used to feeling beaten down and I know it makes me jaded. What is the point of surviving losing my son if I can’t use the opportunity to try and see the beauty in every day life?


And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

Finley’s death definitely did steal my innocence. I had no idea that his death was coming to greet me. I battle all of the time with not letting him dying steal the rest of my life. Death and loss occur, regardless of whether we want it to or not; there are some things we just have no control over. I am trying to be a better person because of him, attempting to not let it entirely take away the person that I was before.


But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand
And we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand
I’ve definitely never been alone in my grief, though at times it has felt that way. Sometimes the reminder from friends and family that they are there with me is nice. My brothers in grief.
And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
My body sustained Finley for 9 months and gave him life. His little soul touched so many, and his existence made me a mother. Being a mother is the most wonderful gift I ever could have received. Could I ask for anything more?
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars
Again, this is about not letting my grief cripple me. I have a choice to carry on and live my life. If I am not defeated by the things that have occurred, I can use them to make me a better and more compassionate person. Living my life to make my son proud will mean that I always have that connection to him – a ladder to him in the stars.
But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand
And we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
And whisper, “Lose your sight”
But I can’t move the mountains for you

For me this means that my family and friends will do everything they can to help me and to take the darkness away from my life. But in the end, there is only so much they can do. I’m not alone, but I’m the only person who has the ability to accept this life and come to terms with it. I am the only one who is Finley’s mother, and therefore the only one who can feel his death the way I do. Nobody can grieve for me, I need to work through it myself.


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