It’s My Party (And I’ll Cry If I Want To)

It’s my birthday. Another year gone. I’m 28 years old and feel as though my life should be so much more than what it is. I should have a one year old cheeky little boy running around and lighting up my life.
 
This day last year was terrible. I was still in agony from birth and surgery and my milk coming in. 
 
“So its my birthday today…sure doesn’t feel very happy. Steve and I were laid in bed having a snuggle with the dog this morning, like we always do on the weekend. I couldn’t stop thinking how it should be four of us now. Someone please tell me this gets easier xx”
 
Those are the words I shared with my birth forum a year ago. I can’t tell you how much I dreamed of the mornings when I would get to lay in bed with my 3 boys. Last year felt empty because Finley wasn’t there. This year felt odd because none of my boys were there when I woke up.
 
Sharing my birthday with Easter this year had perks. I spent the night at my bestie’s house last night and was awoken this morning by her adorable 3 year old daughter O. I got to share in her joy of realising that the Easter Bunny had visited. She was so excited about her chocolate eggs and the bunny ears that she got to wear. I really love that kid, but it left me feeling so incredibly nostalgic for Finley. I know he wouldn’t be quite old enough to really get it, but he would have been old enough to be running around and getting into everything. I imagine O with him and think of how things should be. 
 
Instead of dwelling on the negative though, I really tried to enjoy the day. I gave my time to playing with O. We laughed so much. I would pretend to sleep and she would kiss my nose to wake me up. It was so incredibly sweet, and I know in my heart how much I can’t wait to be playing like that with my own children.
 
I wonder if this feeling of everything not being how it should be ever goes away. I feel like a part of me is constantly living in another universe where Finley is alive. I imagine what he would be like and what we would be doing and being happy. I feel like that’s how things should be. But they never, ever will be that way. I think that’s the hardest part of losing a child. Every. single. day. you realise it’s forever. Every day I have to tell myself that my baby is dead and he’s not coming back. Every day I imagine my alternate universe and have to return to the reality where Finley is dead. Dead. Forever. And oh, it hurts.
 
I spent the afternoon with my parents, brother and grandma. We had Easter turkey dinner and I got to have some birthday cake. I topped the day off with the new season of Game of Thrones. If it weren’t for missing my three boys, I might have thought it was a perfect day. 
 
Easter tulips for Finley
 
Dear Finley,

Happy Easter my little love. Mummy misses you so much. I wish you had been here to wear silly rabbit ears and make me laugh. We could have played outside because it was so lovely and warm and sunny. I always imagine what we would be doing if you were here. I think I always will.

Lots and lots of love,
Mummy xox

4 thoughts on “It’s My Party (And I’ll Cry If I Want To)

  1. I constantly have that same feeling. As if there is an alternate version of life where Samuel is alive and with me. I can almost see it happening everyday. I think that’s the thing most non-loss families can’t wrap their heads around. It’s every single day. Forever. *sigh*

    It’s so hard to celebrate things in life when life is so far from what it should be. I’m glad you were able to find some happiness on your birthday.

    Sending my love,
    RaeAnne

  2. Jen

    The forever-feeling is probably the worst, most daunting feeling I ever experience, being on this journey. To know the finality of it…and that it will be with me until the end of my time, and I’ll be without Luke until then…

    I know exactly how you feel. That’s the one feeling that I don’t think will ever go away or feel better.

    Birthday hugs to you, Lisa ♥

  3. Happy birthday! I know your pain and I’m so, so sorry.

  4. Happy belated birthday. The firsts are always the hardest. Your first birthday, his first birthday, due dates, days you conceived, etc. Be gentle on yourself babe!

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