In my mind I made all kinds of plans for fun things to do, friends to see, and things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't manage while I was pregnant. I think I was desperately trying to cover up the fact that this trip was going to be hard.
|Taken on the beach near our home in Italy.|
|Taking a moment to reflect on the flight.|
|Looking out over the clouds.|
Is this where Finley is?
When I finally got through security, I found my friend Sharon outside. And I cried some more. Somehow seeing her released something. It was a big realisation that everything was real. I didn't imagine it. I can't explain how much it sometimes feels like I made the whole thing up...Italy, my pregnancy, Finley dying... and yet there it all was, right in front of my face.
The trip was made up of many highs and lows. In so many ways it felt as though I'd never left. Everything was mostly as it was when I left, and I always have a strange feeling of having a separate life in each of the countries I've lived in, as though they don't or can't overlap. But these lives and these places do overlap, because the reality is that they are all a part of one life, my life, and in so many ways this trip was about coming full circle for me.
Most importantly for me, I felt connected to Finley. It was as though I was where I was supposed to be, where I imagined myself to be at that point in another life. There was a part of me that wished we were still living there, but a big part of that wish was living there with Finley, and no amount of wishing can ever bring him back.
|It rained so much during my visit.|
Because of the rain we were able to see this rainbow on our visit to Capua.
It felt like Finley sent it just for me.
|Name in the sand near our home in Italy.|
All in all the trip was amazing. I am glad that I was able to have the opportunity to go back. Since I've been home though, I've been quite tired. Emotionally tired I think. I have had to take so much in and at the moment I'm not really sure how to process any of it. I miss my son so much.
|View from the top of the crater at Carney Park.|
I never made it up before as I struggled to climb while I was pregnant.