Nine Months at Christmas

Today I should have a 9 month old baby boy at home. We should be in Italy. I imagine that he would be crawling and getting into everything while we are trying to get all of the last minute preparations for Christmas complete. There would be a mound of presents under the tree that took ages to wrap because of the sweet boy who keeps distracting me. Steve’s family would probably be with us by now, slightly disbelieving of how much Finley has grown. We’d be getting ready for Christmas Eve. I’d probably be pulling my hair out wondering how I was meant to enjoy my son’s first Christmas while having to also entertain. But it would be merry. Finley would go to bed in his Christmas pyjamas and when we got him dressed on Christmas morning, it would be in some suitably adorable Christmas onesie. He would be a fun age, and would probably love playing in all of the paper and boxes. There would be so many photos. I can imagine sitting on Skype with my family back in Canada and everyone would be all smiles and laughter because of a special little man. Because of Finley.

Last Christmas I was just in my third trimester of pregnancy. I was in Canada and my family and friends were meeting my husband for the first time. My grandma gave us a book for Finley and in the inside it said ‘For Baby Sissons, love G. Grandma’. I had so many expectations about what the following year would look like. I could picture how it would feel to finally have my own child to share this magical holiday with. I imagined making new traditions, buying a Baby’s First Christmas bauble that is similar to the ones my parents had for my brother and me.

I could not sleep last night, I had so many nightmares. I was upset today. Steve said to me that I can’t be upset on the 23rd of every month forever. But I’m afraid I will be. How can I not be? At this time 9 months ago, I was half an hour away from meeting my son. Still blissfully unaware that my life would never turn out the way I had planned. I knew I would be meeting him soon because I was being taken in for my cesarean. I thought I would have a lifetime with him. Within a matter of minutes I went from the highest of highs at giving birth, to the lowest of lows knowing that he wasn’t ok.

I finally hung the stockings that I knit today. They look so lovely all together up on the mantle. I only wish that it was a photo of the three of us (and Jacob) rather than a photo of our stockings that I was able to share with everyone.

stockings on the mantlepiece
All of our stockings together.
Finley's stocking with his candle from the Wave of Light.
Finley’s stocking with his candle from the Wave of Light.

My husband says that if I keep thinking Christmas is going to be terrible, then I will make it terrible. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. And while he is probably partially right, I can’t think about Christmas and be happy. Because being truly happy would mean pretending that Finley never happened. It would mean denying every hope and wish that I had last Christmas. Erasing every plan that I made when I was pregnant. It’s impossible.

And so all I ask for this Christmas is that you remember Finley with me. Don’t expect too much from me. Let me take the time to be upset and sad if I need to. Remind me that his life mattered and continues to matter to you too. Do something for him or in his name. Just remember.

11 thoughts on “Nine Months at Christmas

  1. Right there with you unfortunately. I wish I could make this time easier for all of us BLMs. Big hugs.

  2. I’m sorry. I have no experience personally of what you went through but my sister’s eldest daughter was stillborn. We had a funeral and, 10 years on, we still talk about her. My sister has two more daughters and a son now but her eldest, Georgia is still in all our hearts.

    I have gone through other traumatic experiences and, although it isn’t the same, I think grief is universal and it’s ok to feel that and allow yourself to feel it. Once Christmas is passed though it might be a good idea, if you haven’t already (I’m new to your blog) to talk to someone about it. I have found in traumatic times in my life having someone paid to listen can be a good thing.

    I hope you find ways to find a way to make this year as good as it can be.

  3. Jen

    I’m right there with you, and I will remember Finley.

    It’s ok that we feel this way. Just know that others are remembering you through this holiday, and always, and you’re not alone. ♥♥♥♥♥

  4. I too hate the 23rd of every month. My daughter was stillborn on 11/23/11 and my 6 week old son passed away on 10/23/12 from congenital heart disease and thrombosis so today has been a hard one with Christmas in 2 days.

  5. It is okay, in fact very natural for you to feel the way you do. I’ve been where you are and I hurt for you. Hugs

  6. Will be thinking of Finley this Christmas <3 <3

  7. I remember him today, along with my daughter Avalon.

  8. i remembered Finlay today along with my son Haydon, who should also have been with us this christmas xxxxx

    I know how hard this season is, I know this because I have barely survived this myself xxxx I am upset on the 21st and teh 6th of every month, I think I will forever, as you say….if I am not affected by these dates, will he have ever existed :-(

    lots of love to you xxxxxxxx

  9. I’m sorry, I’ve only just seen this post. I hope Christmas was as good as can be expected. I also hope that one day you can think of Christmas as a joyful time – but don’t try and force things, it all takes time. Thinking of you and Finley xx

  10. Let the spirit of love and charity fill up our hearts. Merry Christmas to all of you.


  11. Sorry, I would have linked up if I had seen your message in time. I’ll settle for leaving a comment for now.
    They say that losing a child is a life time sentence. I lost my Andreas 11 years ago, and I still think of him every day. Time has healed the wound, but the scar is still there…ready to burst open when I least expect it. One day you’ll be able to think of Christmas with joy, without feeling as though your betraying the memory of your beloved little boy, but healing takes time, so take as much time as you need. Wishing you peace and comfort in this difficult time, and remembering precious Finley with you.

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