Feeling Weak

I don’t feel strong. I feel so small in this huge world, like me and my life and my hopes and my fears mean nothing to anybody. I can see life passing by and I just feel stuck. I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be able to have a life where my son isn’t.
I keep trying – I get up in the morning, I get ready, I go to work, I make meals, I see friends. And all of it rarely with a genuine smile on my face. As much as I wish I could be the person I was before all of this, I don’t know how to be her. I can’t be her. Because the person I was before this didn’t have a son. Her son didn’t die.
Even all of the wonderful things that I know I am lucky to be able to do just feel hollow. Taking Jacob for a walk (without Finley), days out with Steve (but without Finley), cuddles in bed with Steve and Jacob (still without Finley). Everything I do I just feel like he should be here doing them with me. We would have done so much together already. Will it always feel this way? Will it always feel like there is something someone missing? Yes. Because Finley is missing. My son is missing.
I might just be feeling sorry for myself more than normal because I am still sick. I don’t really know. But right now I feel like I have the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and like I’m not strong enough to hold it up.

6 thoughts on “Feeling Weak

  1. First of all, feel better soon. I find it always harder when I’m not feeling great or am sick physically. I often have these thoughts as well. That it would have been so different to have a little one with me/us and what that would mean. I thinks it’s absolutely normal. You miss your son, and it is really hard to realise he won’t be sharing these moments with you. Hugs.

  2. I feel for you, it sounds like we are in the same place. My son would have been 8 months old yesterday, and sometimes I feel like it keeps getting harder. I’m sorry you’re here too, I wish our boys were here. I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. Sorry you are having a tough time. I read somewhere that the 6 – 9 month point can be particularly difficult and I did seem to experience that but I don’t know why. It’s been almost 11 months for us and I don’t know if I can say it’s “easier”. Just different.

    You’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re grieving your son. Being sick doesn’t help. I hope you get some respite soon.

  4. “I can see life passing by and I just feel stuck.”

    I can relate to this sentence more than words can express.

    I am so so sorry you feel this way and I wish I could just give you a hug.

  5. I know exactly how you feel- I used to be a really happy go lucky type of whilst I can go out and see people now and function fairly normally, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same cheery fun Kate that I used to be!
    Sending big hugs your way..

  6. 8 months was the hardest time. It felt like I would be sad forever. And by 8 months my anger burnt out and sadness was all that was left to feel. Having something to look forward to helps.

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