I don’t feel strong. I feel so small in this huge world, like me and my life and my hopes and my fears mean nothing to anybody. I can see life passing by and I just feel stuck. I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be able to have a life where my son isn’t.
I keep trying – I get up in the morning, I get ready, I go to work, I make meals, I see friends. And all of it rarely with a genuine smile on my face. As much as I wish I could be the person I was before all of this, I don’t know how to be her. I can’t be her. Because the person I was before this didn’t have a son. Her son didn’t die.
Even all of the wonderful things that I know I am lucky to be able to do just feel hollow. Taking Jacob for a walk (without Finley), days out with Steve (but without Finley), cuddles in bed with Steve and Jacob (still without Finley). Everything I do I just feel like he should be here doing them with me. We would have done so much together already. Will it always feel this way? Will it always feel like there is something someone missing? Yes. Because Finley is missing. My son is missing.
I might just be feeling sorry for myself more than normal because I am still sick. I don’t really know. But right now I feel like I have the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and like I’m not strong enough to hold it up.