Today I have a heavy heart. You should be 8 months old today. For some reason 8 months just sounds so grown up. You wouldn’t be a baby baby anymore. More like an almost toddler. Crawling, eating solids, laughing. But still mummy’s little boy. Always mummy’s little boy.
I miss you with every fibre of my being. Every aspect of my life, and everything that I do is coloured with you. Every thought in my head is slightly different because you were here.
I feel like I am running out of unique things to say to you. How many different ways are there to say I miss you? But that never changes, it never diminishes. My very soul changed when I became your mother, and the ways in which I need you here are so hard to express.
I sometimes feel like people expect me just to be moved on by now. I sometimes feel like people think you don’t count because you were ‘just a baby’ – as though I could have another baby and it will all be ok. But as much as I do want to get pregnant again, no child could ever replace you – could never be the first born child that you were and are. I’m not sure any other child will ever have my heart the way you do. You will always be missing from my life, and as time goes on, your absence will still be felt. Family photos will never be complete. Holidays and family vacations. I feel like nothing will ever be enough, because as amazing as life can be, you will always be missing from everything I do.
I am trying to live my life in a way that would make you proud. I am trying to take care of myself and daddy and Jacob. I am trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other and to make something beautiful of myself and my life. It feels more important now than ever to be aware of what is important and to cherish it. Life goes on, and I hope that I can enjoy the days until we are hopefully together again.
I love you son.
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