If I Could Change One Thing…

So far on NaBloPoMo, I’ve not been following the writing prompts at all. A lot of them don’t really fit on this blog, and I’ve had a lot to say regardless. But today’s prompt is one I felt I could really work with. The prompt is: If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?
For some people it would be to find their dream home, or dream job, or to have a body like Cindy Crawford…but for me there is only one thing I would ever change.
If I could change one thing, it would be that Finley would have been born alive and healthy.
That one small change would have such a knock on effect on everything else in my life that is suffering right now. My son would be here. I would be watching him grow. I would be on maternity leave, so I wouldn’t be experiencing the work stresses that I am right now. We would still be in Italy and I doubt we would be discussing moving to Canada – which would mean not having the additional stress that saving money and trying to arrange everything is causing. My baby would be alive, so I wouldn’t be so completely focused on the fact that I am not, and can’t get pregnant again so soon.
Everything would be different. Who knows if I would even realise just how really lucky I was if all of the above were true. I like to think that I would be, but I’m sure the reality is that I would take things for granted like most parents do. You don’t understand this world of loss until you are thrust unwillingly into it.
I wish that I could be the one who was taking my son’s life for granted – for who wants to even imagine a world where your children die?
I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote today (for the record, I have had a really bad day):

Babyloss Poem - Corfe Castle
Corfe Castle

 

2 thoughts on “If I Could Change One Thing…

  1. sweet girl, i am so sorry for your loss and i am so sorry it has been an especially bad day for you. thank you for your beautiful post and for the poem. it’s all good therapy, i think, and it is grace itself to read a little about your journey. peace to you.

  2. I lost a child eight years ago. Not to death… but to a corrupt court. Grief support like what you are doing here is so helpful to me.

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