I feel like it has been too long since I’ve written, but at the same time there’s not much new that I can think of to say.
I never stop missing you. I still think of you every minute of every day. I can’t seem to quite make peace with the fact that you aren’t here yet, I don’t know if I ever will. I hope that as more time carries on, that things will feel more calm and that perhaps I will find a reason that I can accept for why things are the way that they are.
At the moment I am living this new life that feels so terribly different than what I imagined my life to be. In some ways it doesn’t feel like I am living at all, but just biding my time for when I will be happy again. I know that the happiness and acceptance can only come from me, but I guess I’m just not there yet. At least not today. It seems to come in fits and starts – some days I do feel happy and I can remember you with a smile, but today just feels hard.
I am living my new life, my new normal, and yet it feels strangely the same as it did before. Like I haven’t moved forwards, but backwards. I suppose that is just because I am so desperate to have a baby at home, that I was so happy to think that I would be getting to bring you home. Oh how cruel life is. How is it better that you are a pile of ash inside the little ceramic teddy bear rather than a chubby, soft and warm little boy who is in the arms of his mother who loves him so much? It isn’t better. But is there a reason? So many people say that ‘everything happens for a reason’ – but they’ve clearly never lost a child. If they had, they wouldn’t say it, because they would understand that no reason on earth could make it ok that their child isn’t here.
Anyways my sweet boy, mummy loves you and wishes you were here. You are so missed.
Lots of love,