I wish that I could just say Happy Halloween and enjoy the day, but for me it’s just another milestone that should be but isn’t.
Seeing all of the children out trick or treating in the neighbourhood didn’t bring a big smile to my face like it normally does. I didn’t carve pumpkins into jack o’lanterns and then roast the pumpkin seeds. I didn’t buy candy to hand out to the kids.
All I kept thinking was that this should be Finley’s first Halloween. I know that he would be too young for trick or treating, but I imagine that I would have picked out some adorable little outfit for him to wear. I imagine that when our friends stopped by with their children for sweets, I would show off how cute he looked all dressed up.
I couldn’t handle staying in the house and hearing the children knocking at the door, so I went out to the shop. But right near the tills were the last few costumes and there was a little pumpkin baby grow. It was the last one and happened to be for 6-9 months. It should be Finley’s size. I felt myself welling up so I left the shop.
On the drive home Small Bump came on the radio right as a huge firework went off in the valley I was driving into. It was beautiful and overwhelming.
They say that All Hallows Eve or Samhain is a time when the ‘door’ to the other world is opened enough for the souls of the dead to come into our world. The souls of the dead are said to revisit their homes on Samhain.
I hope it’s not too strange to admit that I’m hoping Finley will visit me in my dreams tonight. I’ve never dreamt of him and find myself wishing that I could at least have those moments with my son.