Before Finley was born, I remember being determined not to post labour updates on facebook. I wanted to surprise the world with a photo of my boy and a ‘Meet Finley born such and such date at such and such time weighing such and such.’ I had it all planned out.
I mentioned before that although I didn’t post updates on my status, I was making updates to my due date group ‘The Sweet Pea Club.’ I’ve since been reading back on the posts I made from the 22nd March until my birthday which was 31st March. I’d like to share them here now. I’ve not included even a quarter of the replies that I received, but I included some so the posts would make sense or so I could share the general type of replies I received.
Even when I was in labour, I was so naive thinking there would be no complications. I was sure we would be bringing Finley home. As soon as Finley passed away, I felt like I was in a world all to myself. Suddenly I was a person that the people I knew so well struggled to relate to. We’d been through so much together, but after he died, I was in an entirely different ball game than the rest of them.
22nd March 2012
approx 22:00 – Was just laid down watching a film and waters went….I honestly can’t believe how much fluid there is. In hospital now hooked up to monitor and just waiting to be examined. Am 38+4 today xx
22:51– Am already 3cm. Not in pain. But contracting regularly. Feel like I could sleep, but they want to start a drip, etc etc xx
23rd March 2012
00:16 – They’ve put the iv in but I’ve got no pain meds or fluids yet. They like to be on the safe side. Contractions have slowed a bit so just gonna get some sleep xx
01:54 – I’m bored. And tired. How does anyone sleep in a hospital? xx
02:28 – Just waiting Haha. Been 5.5 hrs since waters and contractions still don’t seem to want to get much bigger in intensity. They are coming a bit more regularly now though. DH is asleep beside me and I just can’t sleep :( xx
02:58 Stacey– Aww just a waiting game now then! Hope it speeds up for you soon. Aww bless you, i think id find it impossible to sleep if i was you too, especially knowing bubbas gonna be here so soon! xxx
03:09 – I’m starting to think I changed my mind lol. I could be at home sleeping x
03:40 Ashleigh – Are u in pain Hun? X
03:54 – Nope not really in pain. Contractions are like really uncomfy period pains. Apparently they’re coming every 2-4 mins now, but aren’t very strong yet. Steve is asleep on the fold out chair, I just can’t seem to drift off, which is a shame as its nearly 4am here lol xx
03:55 Ashleigh – Those beds are so uncomfy! I feel your pain. When are they gonna put you on drip? I was put on a drip with Esmé and I’d had her within 2 and 1/2 hours!
03:59 – Not til the other doctor comes on shift in the morning. Not sure what time that is! What did you have for pain relief? X
07:45 – Still only 3 cm and contractions have stopped. Going for a shower and then getting the meds for induction xx
08:04 Katy – Heey, how you doing hun? Thought you might have had him by now :D xxx
08:47– I wish I had. Still only at 3 cm and contractions had all but stopped. They just started the pitocin drip and contractions have started up again. Still not in much pain, though the cervical exams are well painful lol xx
08:55 Katy – She can’t have G&A (gas and air) :( She’s at an American Army base and for some reason they don’t have it xx
08:56 – Wish I could have some though! Bah I’m so tired lol x
10:52– Anyone ever heard of this?….they inserted a balloon in my cervix and have blown it up with water to help stretch my cervix. I was in no pain until this point, and then I was at my pain threshold instantly on contractions. Have had morphine now which is wonderful, I’m high as a kite. Contractions still painful but I don’t mind now xx
10:58 Lynne – I’ve seen it on USA birth programmes but didn’t know they did it in the uk. Glad things have got moving for you xx
10:59 – I’m in the American hospital so guess that’s why. So so so painful. Thanks hun xx
19:38 Katy – Have I missed a post from Lisa? Last I read was she had her cervix expanded and was on morphine as contractions got more painful… xxx
19:43 Lorraine – I’ve not seen anything. Lisa Sissons are you ok? x
24th March 2012
03:26 Lee-Ann – Hopefully they are just having some mum & baby time& will update us soooon x
07:07– Everything not ok. Shoulder dystocia (i think). Had emergency section. He came out not breathing. Has been transferred to Italian nicu. Is tiny at 5lb something. I had severe blood loss and had to have second surgery under general anesthetic. I was told they might have to take my uterus, which thank god they didn’t. Have had blood transfusions galore. And no real update on Finley. Steve will be going to see him today later on. Sorry for the downer post. It’s been awful.
07:52 Louise 1 – Aw no sounds like you ve had an awful experience :-( I really hope you get to see your boy soon. Soon enough you ll be feeling better and you ll have Finley at home in your arms with you I am sure, big hugs to you x x
08:00 Carys – Congratulations on becoming a mummy sorry to hear it was so traumatic big hugs, I really hope you make a speedy recovery and that Finley does too so you can put it all behind you and enjoy your new family xxx
10:35 Jenna – Congrats on the birth of your baby boy Finley! What a beautiful name honey. I’m so sorry you both have had a traumatic time my love, sending u both positive vibes for a speeding recovery. How are u feeling after the surgery hun? Please keep us updated, hopefully Steve will be able to give ur little fella a big cuddle. Please stay positive Lisa. We are all here for u lady xxxxx
16:16– Steve has gone now to see Finley. He should have had a neurological scan earlier to check for brain damage. He wasn’t breathing for 15 minutes after being born, and then was having seizures. Some of the American doctors are very worried.
I’m doing as ok as I can. Pain from two surgeries is awful, but have managed to get out of bed. Because I lost about half the blood in my body, a lot of my organs started to stop working. But things seem to be picking up a bit.
Am so overwhelmed, Steve has been amazing though. His mum is flying out to us tomorrow.
Can’t really look to the future at all for a little while until we know Finley’s prognosis. I’m trying hard not to worry about it until I have to, and have been getting lots of sleep (mostly because my eyes close of their own free will because of how exhausted I am).
Anyways ladies, thanks so very much for the support. It means everything to me xx
16:21 Charlene – My sweetness. Im thinking of you all sooo much. Hope Finley makes such a recovery that he astounds all the medics & staff :) He’ll be strong for mummy & daddy, im sure. Big hugs xx
21:18 Jenny – Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope everything is ok. He’s obviously a little fighter to have come this far x
22:20 Eve – congratulations on becoming a mummy. Hopes & prayers for speedy healing for you all. Forza Finley!!
22:47 Louise 2 – Congrats on your little man Finley hun. sorry things didnt go well but i’m sure he will be ok, sweet pea babies are super strong. love and hugs to you all xxxxxx
25th March 2012
18:02– As long as I do well tonight, they are hopefully going to discharge me in the morning so I can be with Finley. They’ve pushed me so hard today so I can go home. Normally they don’t even discharge normal cs patients this quickly here. I am getting better at getting myself in and out of bed and walking around. So if all goes well, I will be able to see Finley tomorrow. Still no new news on him for the time being though xx.
18:04 Lou – This is good news hun but still take it easy u have had 2 major abdominal surgeries so dont push yourself too hard!! xx
18:11– Am still resting and sleeping a lot, but the thought of seeing Finley is spurring me on a bit. I find it a bit weird, because while I know I have a baby, I don’t really feel like a mum yet xx
26th March 2012
12:57– Finley has passed away. He had a cardiac arrest and they resuscitated him. Then he had another.
I don’t even know why I’m on fb, I just don’t know what to do.
13:08 Lee-Ann – Lisa im so sorry to hear this, i know there are no words that can make you feel better, please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts & baby Finley. Lots & lots of love being sent your way xxxxx
13:09 Eve – Devastating, I’m so fucking sorry you’ve been robbed of everything.
16:04 Helen – No words can describe the sadness I felt as I read your post. My love and prayers go out to you and Steve at this time. Please look after each other over the coming days and weeks, cry, grieve and give yourself time. We’re here if you need anything. Sleep tight little pea xxxx
27th March 2012
00:05 Katy – Can’t sleep :( can’t stop thinking of Lisa and Finley… Thinking of you hun xXx
00:19 – I can’t sleep either. I’m in so much pain. And I still can’t quite believe what’s going on. My life is ruined xx
08:00 Katy – Hey hun, the night time must have been awful for you :( I was thinking of you all night… I really hope they can get one of your family over there. Today is going to be so hard for you I know… but deep breaths and one step at a time with Steve xxxxx
29th March 2012
17:15 – Had my staples out which was fine. I’m still too scared to look at my incision though. The doctor said I can ttc again after about 6 months. Steve and I want to wait at least a year we think. I can’t even imagine getting pregnant again, I think I will be afraid the whole time.
He also told us that after having gone over all the strips of Finley being monitored on the night he was born, everything was completely normal until he was delivered. His heart rate was normal and the cord gasses were normal too. He just didn’t breathe when the cord was cut. They don’t know why. They can only guess it was to do with the cord being knotted and around Finley’s neck, but as everything was normal while he was still attached to me, it doesn’t make much sense.
Had a visit from the British midwife today. We had originally decided not to have a post-mortem done on Finley as we couldn’t see what would be gained. But she pointed out something to us that we hadn’t considered. Because we don’t actually know the reason why Finley didn’t breathe, she said that an autopsy might show if there was something congenitally wrong that was missed on my umpteen scans. She said that if something were detected, it could end up the same in future pregnancies. So we’ve decided to get the exam in hopes that it could possibly save the life of a future child. The army are going to send Finley to Germany, which is the headquarters of the army in Europe, and have a British doctor perform the exam. So much to take in.
My ob/gyn has said I can fly at the end if next week, so I will be in Canada very soon. Then funeral arrangements will start and I’m dreading it.
Steve’s posting to UK starts on 15th June. So will be going there about a week before.
I can’t believe how much is going on xx
20:41 Helen – Even though I am sure you do not feel it, your strength is amazing and an inspiration. You are going through so much right now and with more to come, and so keep feeding that strength from Steve, your family, friends and us. I am so glad you are able to get back to Canada from the end of next week where there will be so much love to help wrap you up, protect you and help the healing process truly begin. You are in my thoughts so often through the day. Love and hugs xx
31st March 2012
08:45 – So its my birthday today…sure doesn’t feel very happy. Steve and I were laid in bed having a snuggle with the dog this morning, like we always do on the weekend. I couldn’t stop thinking how it should be four of us now. Someone please tell me this gets easier xx
12:44 Eve – well Lisa it should be, it should be and it’s so fucking unfair that it’s not all 4 of you. You will always be the bella mama to angel Finley and from what I understand one learns to live with that one day at a time, one grief overload at a… time. My friend whose little girl was born sleeping just celebrated her angelversary and her angel girl is still a big part of her thoughts and will always be a part of her family. But there is also Birthday girl Lisa and wife Lisa and fur-mummy Lisa and world-traveller Lisa (and some other Lisas I don’t know of) if you give them time, love & space they will help you get through this- if that makes any sense at all. If Birthday Girl Lisa gets to have some fun today to boost her coping banks then don’t feel guilty. But if Birthday Girl Lisa says it’s her party and she’ll cry if she wants to, that’s fine too, you don’t need to force a smile for anyone. Big birthday snogs & hugs xxx
17:04 – Thanks ladies. Some of the girls took me for a spa day, so I’ve had a nice facial and head, neck and shoulder massage and we had lunch and just chilled. I did have a few wobbles, but I’m glad I got out of the house. Now at home and Steve is going to watch his footy team on telly (they’re hardly ever on tv) and might have some friends round later. I feel a bit like I’m pretending, but I don’t know what else to do. Finley is never out of my mind though xx