So today is Thanksgiving. This is normally a holiday I love. I love making the big dinner to share with family and friends and to be able to take a moment to share what we are all grateful for.
I posted yesterday on my facebook that I’m struggling to be thankful this year. It’s true. While I know I am so blessed in so many ways, I struggle with the fact that it is all overshadowed by what SHOULD be. I think that I would have been making silly paper turkeys out of Finley’s handprints like I did when I was a child. I would have maybe taken a trip with Steve and Finley to the pumpkin patch and taken a million photos. I would have found a place where all of the colourful leaves had fallen from the trees, and sat Finley in a pile of them. So many photos I can see in my head, so many fun memories that I will never get to make.
I found this quote the other day:
I think normally I would be a person who lived by those words. I’ve had a lot of struggles in my life, and I’ve always managed to make something of myself. I’ve always been able to make a positive despite the negative.
But to think that a wise person doesn’t grieve for the things they do not have…that’s nearly impossible when you are a grieving parent. How are you supposed to be grateful when your baby is dead? I can’t be. I can’t be grateful that this is the path I now am walking when the only thing I want and wish for is my son to be here with me. It’s hard to know the one thing you truly want you can never have.
That said, this Thanksgiving, I AM grateful for Steve, Jacob, my sister-in-law Sadie who is so wonderfully understanding, my little nephew who is growing and healthy even though it is hard, my lovely friends old and new who have been through so much with me, my family and extended family (including the in-laws) all over the world, the fact that I have a warm house to live in and food to eat, and many, many other things. Mostly I am grateful that I got to be a mummy to my beautiful baby boy.