It’s My (Pity) Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

Sulfur Mountain, Khaled Hosseini Quote
I took this photo at the top of Sulphur Mountain in Banff, Alberta, Canada.

I am having a bad day. The kind where you want a big hug from your bed and your duvet and you just want to cry.

Why did this happen? Why us? Have I done something in life to bring such a negative thing on myself?

Why do I find myself having to sit across from a very visibly pregnant woman at work? I can’t bring myself to even make conversation with her even though she seems lovely. I do everything I can to avoid even having to look at her. I’m sure she thinks I’m cold.

Why does Finley’s little cousin have to be a boy? I felt like I could deal with anything if it was a girl. But I knew in my heart of hearts it was a boy. Finley should be less than a year apart in age than his first cousin.

Why do I have to go to work and try to care about things that don’t actually matter one iota to me? Why should I have to go to work at all when I should be at home taking care of Finley?

Why does my current situation dictate that I have to wait SO long before I can have another baby? I am desperately wanting to be a mummy to a baby I can take care of.

Why do I have to feel so incredibly alone? Like nobody in the world understands.

I know this post is moany and whiny and so very miserable. I’m sorry for that. I’m probably going to make friends with my bed now and just have a cry.

11 thoughts on “It’s My (Pity) Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

  1. Anonymous

    Sending you big hugs anh hopefully one day soon you will be a mummy again and have your little cherub to love xx shell x

  2. Anonymous

    These experiences are so very cruel…. It’s probably not a consolation, but you’re not alone. I understand exactly what you’ve said here, and i found it so, so hard to reconcile other people’s pregnancies and children. It truly sucks and grief is extremely tough. I am glad you feel able to express yourself here. Keep doing so. Much love.

  3. Anonymous

    Thanku for being real.. it is so painful, lonely, hard… isn’t it. Sharing your tears, sending love, and praying for you. Xx

  4. Lisa,

    I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. I know your pain. Let yourself grieve, let yourself have bad days, let yourself cry. I have learned that living through the grief is easier than trying to avoid it. I work with someone who is also very pregnant and it physically stings to see her. I’ve had to let myself feel the pain and acknowledge it before I can move on with my day.

    Wishing you a better tomorrow and sending lots of love and ((hugs))

  5. Sadly i understand how u feel.. hugs leias mommy

  6. Totally allowed to have those days. They will get fewer and further between, but still happen on occasion and that’s ok. Because it’s just not how it should be and never will be.

    So sorry sweet Finley isn’t here with you – where he should be.

  7. I don’t know if that pain ever “gets better”, but I think it becomes tolerable. There are always going to be days like this though.

    Sending you hugs. <3

  8. So sorry for your pain sweet mama…Ugh…life is just not fair…Praying that God would bring you peace…lots and lots of peace…


  9. The pain of grief is sometimes too much to bear. But you are not alone xx sending love and support from another grieving mother xx

  10. It’s okay to get bed & have a good cry- be gentle & kind with yourself!

  11. I just found your blog and have been reading your story, and I’m so sorry for your heartache. My son Gavin was born March 26th and also died, and the pain can be unbearable. I just wanted to let you know that I understand, and you’re not alone. Please always know that!

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