How can it possibly have been half a year since you were born already? This milestone is a really hard one.
At six months old you would be really coming to have a personality. I find myself wondering what you would be like. Cheeky, funny, stubborn, curious? What would your giggle sound like? Would you have a temper or be good natured?
I will never get to know the answers to these questions and that is the most heartbreaking thing imaginable.
I find I can have a lot of normal days now, but even then you are never out of my mind.
And then we get these milestones that represent where we should be in your development. Thinking about what we should all be doing still hurts far too much.
This morning I woke up and knew what day it was. My heart has been heavy and there has been a knot in my throat all day. Thinking about everything still can take all of my breath away…exactly how it did when I found out you had died.
I went with your Auntie Sadie to the craft shop to get the things I needed to make your flag for Carly Marie’s October 15th event. It was very hard walking through the aisles. There were so many baby things…ribbons, scrapbooking kits, shower invites, congratulations it’s a boy things. I was very nearly in tears knowing that I was picking things out for you but that you would never get to use what I make. It hurts.
The weather was awful today after being sunny and lovely yesterday. I think the world was just reflecting my inner turmoil. As I drove home from seeing Auntie Sadie, I listened to Small Bump on repeat. The traffic was barely moving because of the rain and I was sobbing my heart out.
I know that I would have been a wonderful mummy to you, and I still can’t make sense of why you couldn’t stay here with us. I know daddy misses you loads as well. He would have been such an amazing father.
Lots of mummy’s friends were thinking of you today and quite a few lit candles for you on your half birthday. They shared photos so I could see how they were all thinking of you too. It helps to know I am not as alone as I sometimes feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who misses you and it is a very lonely way to feel.
Anyways my sweet boy, I hope that wherever you are you can feel how much you are loved and missed. You are always in my thoughts and I am doing my best to incorporate you into my daily life. I want to make sure that you are never forgotten.
Happy half birthday baby boy.
Love mummy xox