Finding a New Normal Through the Grief

grief changes us

When I saw this posted on facebook, it was as though somebody had taken the words right out of my mind. I often find myself wondering who I am now. I know that I’m not the same person as I was before Finley died, or even before I got pregnant and dedicated my life to being a mother.

So who am I now? I’m not sure.

I find it so incredibly strange sometimes, almost deja vu, to be back in the UK. I have started working and have been promoted to a role very similar to that which I was doing right before we got married, moved to Italy, and found out we were pregnant. It’s almost as though nothing at all has changed, like I am back to where we started. And yet EVERYTHING has changed.

The way I view the world is different. The way I view myself is different. My relationships with people have changed and some have ended. What’s important to me has become a lot clearer.

My husband and I have clear goals for our immediate future – goals that we didn’t have when we still imagined having Finley at home with us.

I have changed. I think I’ve grown up in a big way. Before Finley died, I’d never lost anybody who was really close to me. I had been to very few funerals. I had never seen anybody after they passed away. When I saw Finley, I wasn’t afraid. Even though he was dead, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to pick him up and hold him. I am his mother, and I wanted to mother him. I won’t have the chance to be his mother in the normal sense of the word for the rest of my life.

I know in my heart that even though I am so afraid, I want to have more children. My need to have a family has become more clear than ever. I want a house full of chaos and people to take care of. I want to see my children start their first day of school, go to college, get married. I want grandchildren. Even though all of that will be so bittersweet knowing it should be Finley first.

I have an opportunity to be the person that I want to be. A chance to try and create the life that I see for myself and my husband. I see a future full of happiness, but also one that will always be a little bit sad because Finley is missing. That pain will never leave me.

I used to just go happily through life, moving from one adventure to the next. I guess my new normal is realising things about myself and my life and using it all to move forward. Sometimes I feel ok about that all, and sometimes it takes my breath away because it hits home so much that I am making a new life that doesn’t include Finley running around and making a mess. Despite that, I know that as much as I move forward, I am not moving away from Finley, because I will always carry him with me.

One thought on “Finding a New Normal Through the Grief

  1. I am almost 2 and a half years past the loss of my boy. It completely changed my life. You’re right, you will see everything differently now. Everyone and everything in your life. If you allow yourself to heal and move forward then you will and that is okay. Like you said, Finley will always be with you. He will be in the spirits of his siblings. He will be in every family memory. It is going to be hard. I still have moments when I feel like I could fall apart. When I want to go back in time and redo it all. But I have managed to find a new life in this world and happiness. And if you allow yourself then you can too.
    I love reading your blog and I love the name Finley! It is so sweet. I am sorry he’s not with you.

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