When I saw this posted on facebook, it was as though somebody had taken the words right out of my mind. I often find myself wondering who I am now. I know that I’m not the same person as I was before Finley died, or even before I got pregnant and dedicated my life to being a mother.
So who am I now? I’m not sure.
I find it so incredibly strange sometimes, almost deja vu, to be back in the UK. I have started working and have been promoted to a role very similar to that which I was doing right before we got married, moved to Italy, and found out we were pregnant. It’s almost as though nothing at all has changed, like I am back to where we started. And yet EVERYTHING has changed.
The way I view the world is different. The way I view myself is different. My relationships with people have changed and some have ended. What’s important to me has become a lot clearer.
My husband and I have clear goals for our immediate future – goals that we didn’t have when we still imagined having Finley at home with us.
I have changed. I think I’ve grown up in a big way. Before Finley died, I’d never lost anybody who was really close to me. I had been to very few funerals. I had never seen anybody after they passed away. When I saw Finley, I wasn’t afraid. Even though he was dead, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to pick him up and hold him. I am his mother, and I wanted to mother him. I won’t have the chance to be his mother in the normal sense of the word for the rest of my life.
I know in my heart that even though I am so afraid, I want to have more children. My need to have a family has become more clear than ever. I want a house full of chaos and people to take care of. I want to see my children start their first day of school, go to college, get married. I want grandchildren. Even though all of that will be so bittersweet knowing it should be Finley first.
I have an opportunity to be the person that I want to be. A chance to try and create the life that I see for myself and my husband. I see a future full of happiness, but also one that will always be a little bit sad because Finley is missing. That pain will never leave me.
I used to just go happily through life, moving from one adventure to the next. I guess my new normal is realising things about myself and my life and using it all to move forward. Sometimes I feel ok about that all, and sometimes it takes my breath away because it hits home so much that I am making a new life that doesn’t include Finley running around and making a mess. Despite that, I know that as much as I move forward, I am not moving away from Finley, because I will always carry him with me.