Today was my second day at work. It was easier than yesterday. Getting up in the morning to an alarm for a specific reason seems strange. Since Finley died, I’ve pretty much done what I want and when I want to.
I think being at work is helpful so far. I find myself enjoying the job and asking a lot of questions. I am interested in it and it’s nice to be learning something new.
It is also incredibly hard. I feel guilty for having a distraction. I feel horrible that this is another milestone that brings me further away from Finley. I wish so much that this isn’t my life. I wish that instead of being woken up by my alarm to go to work, I was being woken up by his cries because he is hungry.
It’s been nearly a week now since I met with the consultant. It feels like we spent 5.5 months coming to terms with something, only for it to change, and it feels like we have to start all over again. I actually feel sick when I think of what happened. I think of the doctors whom I trusted, the health care that I had been told was so amazing. I think of the way I felt so uncertain about my 20 week ultrasound, how I’d called my husband while he was on a course in the UK in tears because I didn’t want there to be anything wrong with our baby. I wish that I’d acted on those feelings. I think mother’s instincts are there for a reason. I learned this lesson in the hardest way imaginable. I lost my son, the most precious part of my life. I don’t think I will ever ignore my instincts on something like that again.
We are still trying to figure out where we go from here. I have no idea what we should do. I know in my heart that we can’t just let it go and leave others in the hands of a place that clearly wasn’t prepared to deal with such a horrible situation. I know I can’t not fight for my son. The problem is how to go about it. I really don’t know. I don’t know anybody else who’s baby died in another country after being born in a military hospital of yet another country. I don’t know how said hospital can be held accountable when it is not in the remit of the country we live in.
There are so many things I just don’t know, and I wish to god that there was somebody I could ask. Somebody who had any advice. I feel like we are having to pave our own path through this, and it is exhausting enough just getting through the normal day to day without Finley without having to fight for his rights as well.
I hope that I continue to find the strength to cope with this and everything else that gets thrown our way.