I Will Not Censor Myself and Updates on Life

Today was my second day at work. It was easier than yesterday. Getting up in the morning to an alarm for a specific reason seems strange. Since Finley died, I’ve pretty much done what I want and when I want to.

I think being at work is helpful so far. I find myself enjoying the job and asking a lot of questions. I am interested in it and it’s nice to be learning something new.

It is also incredibly hard. I feel guilty for having a distraction. I feel horrible that this is another milestone that brings me further away from Finley. I wish so much that this isn’t my life. I wish that instead of being woken up by my alarm to go to work, I was being woken up by his cries because he is hungry.

It’s been nearly a week now since I met with the consultant. It feels like we spent 5.5 months coming to terms with something, only for it to change, and it feels like we have to start all over again. I actually feel sick when I think of what happened. I think of the doctors whom I trusted, the health care that I had been told was so amazing. I think of the way I felt so uncertain about my 20 week ultrasound, how I’d called my husband while he was on a course in the UK in tears because I didn’t want there to be anything wrong with our baby. I wish that I’d acted on those feelings. I think mother’s instincts are there for a reason. I learned this lesson in the hardest way imaginable. I lost my son, the most precious part of my life. I don’t think I will ever ignore my instincts on something like that again.

We are still trying to figure out where we go from here. I have no idea what we should do. I know in my heart that we can’t just let it go and leave others in the hands of a place that clearly wasn’t prepared to deal with such a horrible situation. I know I can’t not fight for my son. The problem is how to go about it. I really don’t know. I don’t know anybody else who’s baby died in another country after being born in a military hospital of yet another country. I don’t know how said hospital can be held accountable when it is not in the remit of the country we live in.

There are so many things I just don’t know, and I wish to god that there was somebody I could ask. Somebody who had any advice. I feel like we are having to pave our own path through this, and it is exhausting enough just getting through the normal day to day without Finley without having to fight for his rights as well.

I hope that I continue to find the strength to cope with this and everything else that gets thrown our way.

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In other news my “friend” (who I wrote about last week, the one who is pregnant and didn’t want to see me or speak to me because of the reminders I bring) sent me a message after reading the blog post with the consultant’s findings. She said she was sorry. When I went to reply the next day, I realised she had deleted me off of facebook. I’m trying not to be petty and silly, but I realised that I just don’t care anymore. I haven’t got the extra energy to spare to try and remain friends with people who won’t return the favour. I feel like the following photo applies too well as she was upset about this blog.

I will not censor myself

7 thoughts on “I Will Not Censor Myself and Updates on Life

  1. You will find the strength Lis, a mother always does somehow. Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Anonymous

    I’ve been following your blog via babycentre. You write very well. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please keep writing, for your sake and for the sake of others. In your journey for answers, I think I’d start by writing a letter to the hospital in question, including a written statement from the consultant and ask them to respond.

    I have no real helpful words, just anonymous thoughts and prayers xxx

  3. I’m glad things are going well with your job. You’ll always have the emotional toll of Finley’s memory with you. I hope having a new routine will help with your healing.

    The way your friend has cut herself off from you is incredibly hurtful and I’m sorry that you have to deal with that pain on top of everything else. Sometimes we buckle in the face of heartache and we do irrational things to try and ease the fear and/or pain. I hope your friend realizes this and makes this up to you one day.

  4. mel

    There are so many different ways to work in Finleys memory. There are ways to hold a hospital accountable without taking a legal case. providing equipment, books, resources to ease the situation of parents in the future in that hospital, going there to do training, building a relationship with the staff there informally and using this to gently make change.

  5. I am so sorry that things are still hard for you xx this journey doesn’t get easier does it :-(

    I hope you are able to pave a way to get answers and reassurances that this won’t happen again, or that they will strive to. I am sorry that you too are fighting a medical environment for this kind of reassurance :-(

    As for ‘friends’…since losing my son, I have really come to notice who is there for me, who isn’t and who just wants to be able to ‘forget’ or ‘step around’ my son. My son is with me forever in my heart, he will live on in my family and in my soul forever. I will remember his birthday, his anniversary days and christmas etc so my advice to you is to do what I do….let those ‘friends’ go and don’t feel guilty in any way or obliged in any way. A real friend wouldn’t behave how she is behaving, she is the one being selfish.

    Lots of love to you xxx

  6. Here from LFCA…. I’m so sorry to read your story. Hoping that you find peace in your quest for answers. Hugs.

  7. Anonymous

    I feel sad for your friend. It’s always been clear what a remarkable and lovely person you are, she is really going to miss out. I hope she is able to forgive herself as much as she has asked for your forgiveness (offering her apology) because sometimes that is even harder. It may well be shame that has led to her facebook shunning rather than any reaction to you. The idea that death is contagious couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, Finley is saving lives- not only in the gifts to several charities that have been made in his name, but also in strengthening the resolve of those who have found themselves fighting to get a reduction of movements taken seriously. I knew two people who had lost a baby when I was mid-pregnancy but rather than isolate myself from those people in a bubble of ignorant denial, (and one kindly offered her understanding if I did that) it only made me research risks and preventions better, take “counting the kicks” seriously and helped me make a decision when obstetric cholestasis reared its ugly head. Knowing you, however distantly, has always been a blessing; you have many friends who don’t let the guilt of their living babies rule their connections to you. Maybe one day she will be able to juggle the same just as you juggle the rawness of your loss with when you welcome her baby. Awkwardness can be enriching too and easy friendships about as nourishing as easy fast food. Weava xxx

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