Post Mortem Part One

So tomorrow is my consultant appointment. I really have no idea what to expect from it, other than I know that my medical notes have finally come in from Italy, so hopefully we can go over my labour, complications, etc.

Also, in a strange twist of fate, I had an email from my midwife in Italy today asking if I was available for a phone call tomorrow. I’m not really, so ended up speaking to her this afternoon. The call was meant to be to discuss options and timelines for potentially going back to Italy to speak to the doctors there, and to find out the best way to get the information that I need.

I began asking some of my numerous questions about the care I had in the American hospital, and the general answer I received was that she didn’t know. I can’t blame her as she wasn’t there, but I am getting frustrated now.

There is the fact that there was a cord flow problem at the 20 week scan, I had extra scans to monitor him, but nobody thought to ask why it was like that. Was the knot in the cord there all along? Why did no one question why he was stuck when I was pushing? Was it the cord? And if it was and he was having a variable heart rate (with some late decelerations) why didn’t they put two and two together and not section me straight away?

Why did the obstetrician who looked after me through the whole pregnancy look at me and turn and walk away when I went to get my staples out? Was it guilt? Why did I have to get the doctor who delivered him to fetch her to speak to me?
Why were we not kept more informed about the care that Finley was receiving in the Italian hospital while I was stuck in the American one? I had no idea just how critical he was. Why could I not have been transferred as well to be nearer to him? Why did he have to die on his own?
These are questions that I need answers to.
My midwife mentioned that she has all of the necessary documents with her now, but it is just the raw information that has yet to be analysed by any doctors/consultants. Suddenly I found myself asking if any cause had been found on the post mortem, and it led to her going over the whole document with me over the phone.
My heart broke as I heard what Finley went through. The things that his tiny body went through are horrifying. Some of the treatments he needed were not available to him. I think of my tiny boy facing this big scary world all on his own, and I feel like the worst mother in the world. I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t even hold him as he took his last breaths.
I have more questions now than answers. I’m hoping to gain some satisfaction in my appointment tomorrow. At least I hope to know more about where I stand, and have a point of contact here to help me figure out what to do next.
Will update when I know more.

9 thoughts on “Post Mortem Part One

  1. Lisa, you could beat yourself to death with the guilt, but I know in my heart that you did everything you possibly could to take care of Finley. That makes you an amazing mom. We cannot protect them from everything, and sometimes when we want it the most, we cannot be with them. It’s the wanting to be there, the way you want to be with him now, that’s what tells me Finley knows how much he was loved.

  2. mel

    I understand this totally :( Reading the postmortem, listening to the doctor read it out, was horrendous. :(

  3. Romney

    I don’t know what to say, there are no words………….
    I hope you find the answers you need, though i doubt they’ll bring you much comfort after today’s call, keep strong, you were and still are a good mother,God Bless you and Finley xxx

  4. I just came across your blog and I am so, so sorry for your loss. We also lost our baby boy and I know i went through so many of these emotions and feelings. I came to the realizations that the “whys” or the “what ifs” wouldn’t fix anything, but I needed to go through it anyway. I needed to ask the questions even if there weren’t answers. Give yourself a little grace and know that you did everything that you could <3

  5. Oh wow. Such huge, important, scary questions. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. You are NOT the worst mother in the world, you did your best with the information that you were given. It’s so unfair that it was apparently not accurate. Big hugs. :(

  6. Oh dear… unfortunately I don’t know any of these answers but I sure as shit know one thing: you are a wonderful mom to Finley. You make sure to ask the right question, you deserve to find out why he can’t grow up beside you. I read every every word of Sky’s autopsy-report… bawling… but I need to do it. I get it.

    You are one hell of a mom and I send you lots of strength for what is to come. xo

  7. You are a wonderful Mom, the best Mom for Finley. I hope answers & peace come your way soon~

  8. Anonymous

    All I can say is massive hugs to you. Finley will always be with you, he is a part of you. Our angels watch over us and never leave. As long as we remember them they are still here. You are stronger and braver with each passing day.
    Kirsty xx

  9. Thank you to everyone who has stopped by and taken the time to comment. I find it hard to remember sometimes that I did do the best that I could at the time. I think sometimes we expect too much of ourselves and it’s hard to forgive ourselves what we see to be shortcomings.

    Having some answers from the consultant unfortunately only brought on more questions, and now we have to determine where we go from here.

    Lots to think about.

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