Mummy is really, really missing you today. You should be 5 months old, and I should be looking back on the past 5 months wondering where the time had gone. You would be so much bigger now than you were when you were born. I think you would be clever, but also a bit stubborn (daddy and I both have a bit of that trait). What would your favourite toy be? The Lamaze foot finders? Your monkey? I wish I knew what your personality would have been so it would be easier to imagine you. I wish that you were here so that I don’t have to try and imagine you.
There are so many things that I wish for now, things that I assumed would always be in my life. The happy me who is a bit naive, the fact that I would get to be with you and watch you grow up, a person who took pregnancy and babies for granted because I didn’t know that they could REALLY die so young. I knew that horrible things happened, but I thought they were rare, that it could never happen to you because you were so perfect every time we saw you on the ultrasound. Your heart rate was always perfect and strong at every appointment. I wish I was worrying about if we should be weaning you yet, about still having some sleepless nights, about the normal things that mummies should be worrying about.
I don’t want to be worrying and wondering where you are now, or if you can see me here missing you so much. Do you know how loved and how missed you are? Will we get to be together again some day? These are things I don’t have answers to. I wish I could be like some of the other mummies who have absolute faith in these things. I wish I believed that you were sending me signs that you are ok. But I don’t see them. Am I missing them? I think about you all of the time and it makes my heart hurt that you aren’t here. I never thought that thinking of my child would be so painful, I wish that when I thought of you I was smiling because of the cute face you made at me, the crazy sound you learned how to make, or the fact that you spit out all of your carrots because you don’t like them.
Mummy, daddy and Jacob are going to move to Canada next year. I booked my flight to go in February and your daddy will come in August or September. Jacob will come over once I have a job and a place to live. I wish you could be coming with us too. I think you’d like spending time with your grandma and grandpa. I think you would like the snow in the winter. I know everyone there wishes that they could know you.
I love you so much baby boy. Five months without you feels like a lifetime.
Love mummy xox