Today Finley would have been 21 weeks old…
I am currently sitting here wishing I could remember what I was planning to write about. I spent hours waiting for my husband to get off of the laptop so that I could write it, and now it has completely fled from my mind.
Instead I’m going to write about a conversation I was having with a friend earlier today – the things that people say when they find out your baby has died to try and comfort you. But usually (in my experience) these things just end up making you feel worse.
- It is God’s will/he’s with God now/only God knows why – Well actually I’m not even sure I believe in a God who would knowingly let me get pregnant, carry my son to full term and then take him away almost as quickly as he was born. That doesn’t sound like the kind of God I want to believe in.
- Life/God never gives us more than we can handle – I personally think this just sounds stupid. I can’t handle being without my son, I only keep going because there isn’t a whole lot of choice left to me. Also, if I’m just an abnormally strong person, does that mean that I will just continue to have crap thrown at me in life? To be honest I’m fed up with it now.
- He’s probably better off if there was something wrong with him – Actually there wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with him as far as we know. His umbilical cord was in a knot which cut off his oxygen.
- At least you’re young/can still conceive/can have more children – Yes, I am still young, but that doesn’t mean that I want to live without Finley. Having him was a choice, and being his mother changed me forever. Yes, I can have more children, but they will be brothers or sisters to Finley, and not replacements. Even if I were to have a hundred more children, I would still miss him terribly.
- Everything will be ok in your next pregnancy and you will get to bring a baby home – Well no, this isn’t strictly true. I have the same odds of something going wrong next time as I did this time. I know of several people that have had more than one loss. Nothing is a guarantee, and I will never take any pregnancy for granted again.
- Everything happens for a reason – What good reason is there that my son had to die? Would you be saying this if it was your child who died?
That’s all I can think of for the time being. I probably sound like a crazy cow, and to be honest anything that people say is better than not saying anything at all. The worst feeling in the world is when people turn their back on you because they think they might say the wrong thing or they don’t want to be sad around you, or they find you too sad to be around.
The best thing to say is: I’m sorry, that sucks, I miss him too… Or do something in his memory. Make him a gift. Acknowledge that he was a person that existed and that he matters to you too.