Everything feels like an uphill battle at the moment. I keep wondering when the down spell I’m experiencing will end.
I attended my second Sands meeting last night, I felt that it was more ‘heavy’ than the last one I went to. I find myself able to talk about my fears and my feelings quite a bit easier now than I did at the beginning. I think writing this blog has helped that. I never really used to share my really inner thoughts and feelings, but since losing Finley I want to make an effort to share. I don’t want to hide away from people so that they think I’m ok, and I want to be able to share in case my words and experiences help somebody else to feel less alone.
My days sort of all meld together sometimes, like the passing of time isn’t really anything anymore. I try to live in a moment so that I never forget how I have felt at each stage after Finley died. I feel like really living in my grief and my loss is one of the few ways I am able to connect to him. The pain helps to remind me that he is real. It makes me sad that I have to be reminded; other parents who bring their babies home don’t have to be reminded. They have a living, breathing, crying baby to take care of. I’m left with my memories of being pregnant, my few memories of seeing him briefly after he was born, and the memory of seeing him after he died. Too few memories.
A friend told me about a fairly new song that she heard the other day that reminded her of me and of Finley. It made me cry, but it is beautiful. I’d like to share it:
I have so many thoughts swirling around today, I don’t really have a focus to this post. Just sometimes writing it down helps….
A friend let me down recently, again. Won’t go into details of that one, but will just say that it really, really hurt.
Gary Barlow’s wife gave birth to their sweet baby girl Poppy who is forever sleeping. Just another reminder that this loss affects everyone. It transcends race, background, medical history… I’m so sad for them.
I watched the new episode of Army Wives and one of the characters had twin boys. One was born not breathing with the cord pulled tight around his neck…
A friend’s wife recently delivered their son in very traumatic conditions. Their baby wasn’t breathing at birth and was transferred to a NICU at a different hospital while his wife had to remain where she was because of the trauma to her. It sounds like their little guy is ok now, but I was terrified for them when I found out.
Also, there is a new program called The Midwives on tv. It’s a bit like One Born Every Minute. I watched the first episode and it featured two families that had both lost their first babies. It was emotional but it was nice to see them have their rainbow babies and to get through the pregnancy and birth. A little hope for the future?