Struggling

Everything feels like an uphill battle at the moment. I keep wondering when the down spell I’m experiencing will end.

I attended my second Sands meeting last night, I felt that it was more ‘heavy’ than the last one I went to. I find myself able to talk about my fears and my feelings quite a bit easier now than I did at the beginning. I think writing this blog has helped that. I never really used to share my really inner thoughts and feelings, but since losing Finley I want to make an effort to share. I don’t want to hide away from people so that they think I’m ok, and I want to be able to share in case my words and experiences help somebody else to feel less alone.

My days sort of all meld together sometimes, like the passing of time isn’t really anything anymore. I try to live in a moment so that I never forget how I have felt at each stage after Finley died. I feel like really living in my grief and my loss is one of the few ways I am able to connect to him. The pain helps to remind me that he is real. It makes me sad that I have to be reminded; other parents who bring their babies home don’t have to be reminded. They have a living, breathing, crying baby to take care of. I’m left with my memories of being pregnant, my few memories of seeing him briefly after he was born, and the memory of seeing him after he died. Too few memories.

A friend told me about a fairly new song that she heard the other day that reminded her of me and of Finley. It made me cry, but it is beautiful. I’d like to share it:

I have so many thoughts swirling around today, I don’t really have a focus to this post. Just sometimes writing it down helps….

A friend let me down recently, again. Won’t go into details of that one, but will just say that it really, really hurt.

Gary Barlow’s wife gave birth to their sweet baby girl Poppy who is forever sleeping. Just another reminder that this loss affects everyone. It transcends race, background, medical history… I’m so sad for them.

I watched the new episode of Army Wives and one of the characters had twin boys. One was born not breathing with the cord pulled tight around his neck…

A friend’s wife recently delivered their son in very traumatic conditions. Their baby wasn’t breathing at birth and was transferred to a NICU at a different hospital while his wife had to remain where she was because of the trauma to her. It sounds like their little guy is ok now, but I was terrified for them when I found out.

Constant reminders.

Also, there is a new program called The Midwives on tv. It’s a bit like One Born Every Minute. I watched the first episode and it featured two families that had both lost their first babies. It was emotional but it was nice to see them have their rainbow babies and to get through the pregnancy and birth. A little hope for the future?

I’ve joined Still Standing Magazine’s August blog hop, which you can see and join below as well if you like.

5 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I am also very sorry for the loss of your baby boy.

  2. Hang in there! So sorry for your loss!

  3. I am so sorry to read that days are so hard for you, but I also can say I understand because I am at that place too xxx lots of love to you xx

  4. Lisa, I’m so sorry you are hurting, so sorry your precious Finley is not in your arms today and every day. This is such a hard journey to be on. Sounds like you are on the right track though – facing your grief, no matter how hard. I bet Finley is so proud of his mama.

    Thank you for reaching out to me. It is so comforting to meet other bereaved moms and their babies, especially now.

    Hang in there,

  5. Here from LFCA . . . Just wanted you to know how incredibly sorry I am for your loss of wee Finley. Believe me, I sorta know exactly how horrible that is, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. I also wanted you to know that grief (sadly) is not linear in my experience; you may start feeling better only to wake up one day in the deepest of pits. This may happen months after the event and you’ll wonder what on earth is wrong, and why you’re not getting better. Truth is, nothing is wrong, and there are pits like this on the road to “better.” It’s a struggle, but you’ll get through them. Blogging saved me, I hope retelling and remembering online and finding others and realizing you’re not alone is some modest amount of relief for you.

    It’s dark, but believe me, there are people out there holding a light for you. Holding you all in my heart today.

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