You are going to have a little cousin. Your auntie told me two days ago that she is 13 weeks pregnant. I must admit I didn’t react well to the news. It seems like everyone around me is having happy news and happy times and I’m left behind with this terrible grief to deal with.
When we were living in Italy, when I found out that your auntie was trying for a baby I was so excited for her and for you to have a little cousin. We knew that she might have some trouble conceiving, and it has taken a long time for them. But I knew that at some point she would get pregnant, and I really was looking forward to having another baby in the family and someone for you to grow up with. It seemed like such great timing to me.
Now you are dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. It sounds so harsh said like that, but the reality is equally as harsh. Sugar coating it doesn’t change the outcome, it doesn’t take away the loss.
I so want to be happy for your auntie and everybody. I want to be excited, and seeing the scan photos and shopping for baby things. I wish I could throw a baby shower and help her plan the nursery. We really should be planning all of the things we could do together, days out for you and your cousin. But I can’t do it. I can’t be happy about this. I can’t be happy that everybody around me is having their families, and mine is broken. Maybe that’s selfish.
Also, part of me is so afraid that once a new baby comes, that everyone will forget about you. You were the first grandchild on both sides of the family and so anticipated. Will there be a time when people think of your little cousin as the first? I just don’t know. None of this is easy to navigate.
I’m starting to feel like the more time that goes on, the more isolated I am becoming. The number of people who I can be around without it hurting to be in their presence is getting less and less. It’s nobody’s fault, but it just hurts. It’s kind of like the saying always a bridesmaid and never the bride. Always an auntie, and never the mum.
But I am a mum, I’m your mummy. I will never forget for as long as I live.
Love mummy xox