The last few days I have been to hell and back. Reaching the one year anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Finley hit me a lot harder than I ever thought possible. For three days now I have been an emotional wreck. I’ve not been sleeping, or eating. I haven’t been coping.
Two nights ago my husband woke up and I wasn’t asleep beside him. He found me downstairs at 3 am by myself, breaking my heart, and sobbing. He told me that I should have woken him, that I never need to go through this alone, and that I didn’t need to go downstairs to cry by myself. He held me and let me cry, and I needed to. I’m not sure where the overwhelming waves of grief turn up from, but I felt like I’d hit a new low. The actual physical pain that comes with the grief is hard to describe, but my heart aches for my loss, my arms ache because they feel so, so empty, and my body aches to take care of and nourish Finley. I actually told my husband that I can’t do this anymore, that I feel broken, and that I don’t want to carry on without Finley here.
And that is the truth, I really am not sure how I carry on sometimes. The amount of energy it takes just to keep going; to get up in the morning, and get dressed and to make sure I eat. To attempt to do housework, and go out and see people. Sometimes I feel ok, I can smile and be a part of a conversation. Sometimes I feel like I have something to offer and I can contribute. But other times, like the last few days, I just exist. I feel like all I do is take from what people offer me and that I have nothing to give back. And I am reminded of a conversation that I had with a friend only a few weeks after Finley died. I was, and still am, fearful that despite all of my other qualities, that this loss and this grief will overshadow it all, and that I will forever be the lady with a dead baby. As though mummy to a dead baby takes precadence over wife, friend, daughter, sister, a girl with a passion and zest for life. Somebody who loves to travel and learn new things. A girl who has always been a ‘social butterfly’ as my dad used to say, a person who always wanted to be around people. I wonder if there will be a time where I am all of those things again. Where any of those other qualities will overshadow my loss, and if people will get something from being around me instead of just having to give.
I find it hard to look forward, find it hard to imagine my life where my son is not alive. Even though I’ve been living for four months, one week and one day since he has died, I find that I am still having to remind myself to change my expectations. That Finley isn’t going to be coming home, that I’m not going to have a baby to take care of any time soon. That it is still too soon to try and get pregnant again. That I have to keep on ‘just existing’ until I’m able to have hope again.
I look around me everywhere and see families and babies and pregnant people. I feel like I’m not only grieving the loss of my son, but also of the loss of the little family that I envisaged having. Will that be me someday, out with my husband with a toddler on his shoulders and a baby in the pram with Jacob running around? Will it be my life where I actually get to take my children to the zoo, a petting farm, the beach, an amusement park?
Some days I do have hope for the future and I know that I have a lot left to do and achieve. I am grateful for my husband and how amazing he is and has been. I am grateful for my dog and that he manages to make me smile even through my tears. I am grateful for having had Finley for even the short time that I did. And I’m grateful for so many wonderful friends and family who have stood by me and tried to be there for me in whatever way they can. I just hope that someday I will be able to give back to them all. And I hope that someday my dreams will come true.
Now, it’s your turn. Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically. Title your post, “Right Where I Am:(Time since your child’s death)”. then come back here and link your blog post on the Mr. Linky. Click other participants and read about right where they are. Comment if you can. Just a thank you for telling me about right where you are. If you don’t want to write a full post, why not just comment here and tell me the time since your loss(es) and anything else you want to share. Spread the word around the community by linking back to this post, so people can find out what grief is like on all stops on the road.