We’ve reached yet another milestone, and it has hit me a lot harder than I expected it would. It is one year to the day since I did a home pregnancy test. A year to the day since I found out I was prenant for the first time. A year to the day since I knew for sure that you were in my life.
I woke up late this morning, and for a moment I was blissfully unaware of what day it was. And then I looked at the time on my phone and noticed the date – panic instantly set in. I don’t understand how can we be at this point already; I feel like time is slipping away from me. I’m afraid that as time goes on, I get carried further and further away from the time where we were together. I worry that I will forget how it felt to have you with me. I already feel like I’m forgetting your little face and how it felt to see you for the first time, the only time while you were alive and still here.
That moment when I saw you, I was afraid to take it all in. I couldn’t focus on really SEEING you, because I was so afraid of everything else that was happening around me. I couldn’t comprehend it. You were having seizures as I held you, and I was afraid to touch you with all of the tubes. I was afraid I would break you or hurt you. In hindsight I wish I had held you longer. Being held by your mummy wouldn’t have done you any harm, and I know that now. I wish your daddy had held you as well.
When I discovered that I was pregnant this time a year ago, I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious and filled with wonder. I always imagined the moment when I would start a family. I worried about whether I would be a good mummy, if I would be able to cope with sleepless nights, and being solely responsible for another human being. The fact is I know I would have been. Your daddy and I both waited for you until we were in a good place in life; we have a home and we had good jobs. I would be able to take the time to spend seeing you grow up.
And now I am left with all of the time in the world without you. I am trying to learn how to live again, desperately attempting to figure out how I fit in this world and what I have to offer. I want to be able to live my life well, so you would be proud of me. I want to keep your memory alive an share your life with others. I want everyone to know how much I love you.
Today has been incredibly hard. They say that time is a healer, but I know that losing you isn’t something that I will heal from. The hole in my life is just as big today as it was the moment I was told that you died, and the pain I feel is still just as intense. My heart aches to see you, my arms ache to hold you, and my body aches to nurture you. I have spent most of today in tears and inconsolable, and despite everyone trying to help, nothing really helps to take the pain away. I will live with it for the rest of my life.
I hope that wherever you are that you know how loved you are.