I’m missing you so much right now that it is unbelievable. I’m listening to our song because I wanted to feel closer to you. Not having you here is too hard. It’s like a physical pain that is so strong and overwhelming that I am questioning how I am meant to carry on without you.
From the moment I found out I was expecting you, my whole life changed. Every plan, every goal, every expectation involved you. I don’t think I have ever looked forward to anything so much as being a mummy to you. Not just being a mummy but being YOUR mummy. Our song is true…you are my one and only.
I wanted to feel the excitement of bringing you home. Of dedicating my life to taking care of you and watching as you grew and changed. Finding out the person you would become.
I honestly have a Finley sized hole in my world. Everybody else’s lives just carry on like normal. Nothing is normal for me. Sometimes I feel like screaming at people – how can life carry on when the worst thing imaginable has happened to me. I want to shout – do you have any idea what I’ve been through? What I go through every day?
It isn’t fair. It actually makes me feel sick when I think what happened. That as far as we know you were healthy. I can only guess until we get your post mortem results. But I think that while I was trying to give birth to you it pulled the cord tighter in a knot and tighter around your neck. I can’t help but think of how scary it must have been for you slowly losing your oxygen. Being torn from the one place where you would have been safe and happy.
I’m so sorry that I didn’t know and that I couldn’t keep you safe. I feel like I failed you.
I find myself sometimes wondering if we would be together now if they hadn’t have managed to stop my bleeding. But of course those what ifs get me nowhere. I need to be here with daddy and Jacob.
I really hope we get to be together again someday. And until then I will never ever forget what it means to have you in my life.
Love mummy xox