Last night I went to my first Sands meeting. I was nervous, because I attended a similar group once while I was in Canada. I spent the evening feeling isolated after every other person there had other children at home to focus on, and a lot of the meeting centered around discussing them. I just felt like I had nothing in common with the people there.
That said, the Sands meeting last night was lovely. Everyone was very kind. My sister-in-law went with me. It was nice to be able to just speak freely about Finley with people who understand. There were some tears, but overall it was more of a nice evening spent remembering.
I am at a point now that even though I am often still very sad, I am able to look back at the memories a bit and smile. There have been times where I wished that I never even got pregnant…that I wouldn’t have to be experiencing this pain now. But that was just a defense mechanism. There is no way that I would give back knowing my little boy, however brief it was. There is no better feeling in the world than being a mum and growing a little person inside of you.
Without pain we wouldn’t appreciate what we have. I wish to no end that Finley was still here, but I am learning to be a more empathetic, compassionate person. I have learned that I am more resilient than I ever thought possible. I still don’t really think that I am ‘strong’ as I’ve just been going through the motions, but I have survived and will continue to do so. I am learning the true importance of friends and being there for them, as so many have been here for me. Too often I’ve heard stories about people losing a baby and having nobody left who is there for them. I have been very lucky, in that I have learned what great friends I have. People I haven’t seen in years have been there for me when it would have been far easier to look the other way. There are some who I feel have pulled away a bit, who either don’t know what to do, or maybe they just don’t want to do anything. But these are far outweighed by the ones who have been pretty fantastic. Even new people that I’ve met have been more supportive than I ever would have expected. I am grateful for that.
I really wish that I didn’t have to know these things though. That Finley were here, and I was having sleepless nights. That he was teething now and starting to wean at almost 16 weeks old. Possibly rolling over. Smiling at me and cooing. That I was enjoying my time with him, watching him grow – truly a mummy in love.
I will always be a mummy in love with my little man, it just turned out to be in a way that I never expected.