Milestones

Dear Finley,
Well today is mummy and daddy’s first anniversary. Which also means its the anniversary of the week you were conceived.
This time last year, we knew we were in for a huge adventure with getting married and moving to Italy just two days after the wedding. And yet even though we planned for me to come off of the pill, we didn’t expect to fall pregnant so quickly. We had no idea just how crazy the following year would be.
It is bitter sweet to come to these milestones. Last year we were young and carefree and excited for life. This year we are attempting to pick up the shattered pieces and figure out where we go from here. We are forever changed by the events that have taken place. I know I will never be so carefree and naive again. I will no longer believe that by simply making good decisions we will automatically have a positive outcome for the future. There are so many things beyond our control.
I sometimes feel like everything that has happened in the past year is completely made up. How could so much have taken place for us to wind up back in nearly the same place we were in before and with nothing really to show for it?
We imagined so many adventures and amazing opportunities would come from our time in Italy. But all of that took a back burner when we found out we were expecting you. I was so ill and so miserable from being constantly sick. But both daddy and I were able to get through that time by looking to the future. A future we thought we would have with you – all of the places we would visit and the things we would be able to do once you were born.
Being in Italy meant that our closest friends and family didn’t get to be there during the pregnancy. They didn’t get to see my belly grow or help us shop for baby items. They couldn’t come to appointments or plan a baby shower. It somehow adds to the feeling of it being a made up reality.
I can’t really describe the feeling of going through something so horrific when you are so far removed from those who you are normally close to. I felt like nobody could fully understand just how horrible things were. Before you passed away everyone kept telling me that you would be ok, and it almost felt like they thought I was exaggerating how bad things were. Then to have to be the one to break the news when you passed…to have to do that over the phone knowing that nobody would ever get to meet you. And I can only imagine our loved ones must have felt so hopeless to be so very far away. Even though it wasn’t anybody’s fault for not being there, I felt like none of them could fully understand what it was like to be there. How confusing and scary it was. It was an isolating feeling, like nobody understood what we went through.
I know that others feel your loss as keenly as I do though. You were always loved and wanted. You were the first grandchild on both sides and so many people were eagerly awaiting your arrival.
We’ve been married a year today. You should be 15 weeks old today. We should be in Italy and finally getting to enjoy all that life there had to offer. We should be watching you grow. We should be travelling. We should be making those life changing memories that now only exist as plans that could have been – ideas that now only exist in my mind.
And I know that for our family and friends who were so far away when we lost you it must seem just a strange. Just as make believe.
For how could a year that included a wedding, a move to another country, a pregnancy turn out like this? It is no wonder I feel like I made it all up sometimes. How could I carry my healthy baby boy to full term only to lose you?
When I look back on my wedding day, I never dreamed that this would be how our first year of marriage would turn out. But we’ve made it through and I honestly think we are stronger for it.
I’m sorry if this is all a bit incoherent. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. I just miss you so much and there is a lot that doesn’t make sense. It has been a year since you were first with us. It has been a year since your daddy and I got married. I wouldn’t change that for the world. I just wish you were here with us too.
Love mummy xox

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