Today two people that are Facebook friends commented on photos of a girl I went to school with. Her perfect, beautiful little boy was born two days ago. Seeing it just feels horrible. Almost like people are purposely rubbing my nose in it. I know that isn’t the case at all, but it’s like the universe can’t even give me a moment of peace from this unrelenting sadness.
Yesterday a friend of a friend posted she was in labour. It showed up on my news feed because my friend commented on it. All I kept thinking about was how wonderful it would be to be so blissfully unaware of everything that can go wrong in a heartbeat. I wished she hadn’t posted. I remember wishing I hadn’t even told my closest friends and family that my waters broke. We went into the hospital excited and full of hope and then had to back into the world forever changed, without our boy. How horrible it was to have to break that news to those who were waiting so eagerly for news of our little man’s arrival.
Chances are that things will go perfectly fine for this girl. And I hope they do. I don’t even know her but I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone.
I’ve said before that its like being a part of a secret club that nobody wants to join. The only ones who can understand are those who have walked in these shoes. And why would anybody want to be here? Its something that I will endure for the rest of my life. Yes, I am learning to live with my grief somehow, but I am different than I was before. I would give anything to go back to who I was before.
People tell me that I am brave and strong. It kind of annoys me when they say it. They act as though I have a choice. Or almost make me feel guilty for not entirely losing the plot. Well all I can do is keep moving forward. What other choice do I have? I am forever going to be a mother who is without her child. It is a hard burden to carry. But I am not brave. Bravery is reserved for those who choose a hard path and follow it. I did not choose this path, but I will endure it.
I’m going to leave you with a quote that I read on another blog by a mother who has suffered multiple losses.
“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing but to turn it into glory.” – William Barclay
I hope that by enduring this situation, I am able to turn it into something glorious – in memory of my precious son. I have no idea what this might be yet, but I refuse to believe that there can’t be SOMETHING good to come from Finley’s life. Other than the amazing feeling of being his mummy of course.