I was just sorting through videos and came across this one of my 32 week scan. There you are…all wiggly and sweet. Yawning. Alive.
It hurts so much to see this, and yet I am so grateful to have it. I remember watching this the day that I had the scan and thinking it was so amazing how big you were looking. You looked so healthy and just perfect.
It’s strange to look back on this as I can remember exactly how I felt when the scan was happening. I was so full of hope and just SO excited to get to see you again. You were big enough that I could feel you moving at the same time that I could see you moving on the screen. It’s so hard to believe what has happened since then, and that amazing feeling I felt is now just a distant memory that is completely overshadowed by the big hole that is in my heart and in my life without you here.
It isn’t fair. You were wanted and planned and loved so much. The world is cruel my boy. But you will never have to experience that now. At least there wasn’t a single moment in your life where you weren’t loved and taken care of. You will never have to feel hurt.
Seeing this video and remembering how amazing it was at the time also makes me sad for another reason. If you ever have a little brother or sister, I am so afraid that I won’t have the same excitement in the next pregnancy. How could I be excited when I will be so afraid? Afraid of another mind blowing loss. What if I can’t bond with another baby? What if I’m detached?
Oh Finley, there are so many things that will just never be right now that you aren’t here. Words cannot describe how much I miss you.
Love Mummy xox