Small Bump

Dear Finley,
When I was fairly early in my pregnancy, I heard a song that instantly could explain so much of how I felt. It talked about all of the hope I put into you. About wondering who you would look like. About wanting to do my very best for you. About the relationship I wanted for us to have.
When I heard it I cried for the way I could relate to it. It was so beautiful to me.
When I realised how sad the ending was it made me so upset and sad that that sort of loss could happen. I naively thought that because we were passed a certain part of the pregnancy, that everything would be ok. I learned to sort of put the end of the song out of my mind.
We used to listen to the whole Ed Sheeran cd while daddy was at work, usually when I was doing the dishes. But when this song would come on, I would sit and listen to the words. Sing them to you and love feeling you move around inside of me. I would often get tearful thinking of it. I knew how much I already loved you, and could only imagine how much it would be when I laid eyes on you and cuddled you in my arms. Would you look like me? Daddy? You’d be the perfect little person that we had created together. And I honestly could not wait to meet you.
On 22nd March I drove to what would turn out to be my last prenatal check up before you were born. I put the cd on to listen to on the drive. When our song came on I cried so much on that drive. I knew it would not be very long until I met you. I was terrified and nervous and anxious and excited. All at once. But mostly I just wanted to feel that unconditional love for you that I imagined I would feel.
My waters broke that evening and you were born the next day. Nothing went at all how it should have. Instead of having the perfect moments I had imagined, you were taken away from me and I would never see you alive again. But trust me baby boy when I tell you how amazing it was to finally see you and hold you in my arms. You looked so much like your daddy. But you had my nose. Your little eyes were so beautiful. I could not have been more proud to be your mummy.
I sometimes wonder if somehow I jinxed everything by listening to that song and assuming the heartbreaking ending wouldn’t happen to me. How could we have lost you…just when we finally got to meet you?
The song was played at your service. I could not even remotely keep it together when it came on. The overwhelming feelings of love and tenderness that always used to come from hearing it were mixed with those of loss and despair. I felt the full weight of what not having you here would mean.
Now the song is Ed Sheeran’s new single. It gets played on the radio a lot. It never fails to instantly have me sobbing.
I really hope that you know how much I love you, Finley.
And now here’s our song – just for you.
Love,
Mummy xox

Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
You’re just a small bump unborn
In four months you’re brought to life
You might be left with my hair
But you’ll have your mother’s eyes
I’ll hold your body in my hands
Be as gentle as I can
But for now you’re a scan
Of my unmade plans
A small bump
In four months you’re brought to life
I’ll whisper quietly
And give you nothing but truth
If you’re not inside me
I’ll put my future in you
You are my one and only
And you can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
You are my one and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
And you’ll be all right
Oh, you’re just a small bump I know
You’ll grow into your skin
With a smile like hers
And a dimple beneath your chin
Fingernails the size of a half grain of rice
And eyelids closed to be soon open wide
A small bump
In four months you’ll open your eyes
And I’ll hold you tightly
And tell you nothing but truth
If you’re not inside me
I’ll put my future in you
You are my one and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
You are my one and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
And you’ll be all right
And you can lie with me
With your tiny feet
When you’re half asleep
I’d leave you be
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I could keep you safe
Because you are my one and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
You are my one and only
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb
And hold me tight
And you’ll be all right
You were just a small bump unborn
For four months then torn from life
Maybe you were needed up there
But we’re still unaware as why

2 thoughts on “Small Bump

  1. I know that song and it always make me cry , it’s so beautiful and sad .
    U didn’t jinks yourself x

  2. I think we just blame ourselves and we look for anything that we might have done to have ‘jinxed’ us….. You are not to blame. You don’t deserve this. It is just inexplicable and totaly unfair. :~(

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