Dear Finley

Dear Finley,
Tomorrow you should be three months old. Instead, I am feeling further and further away from you as time moves on.
When I was pregnant with you, I was so excited to meet you. I had a tough pregnancy, and was quite poorly throughout, so part of me was wishing the time away. Now I just wish I could go back to when you were all safe and tucked up inside my tummy. I would go through the sickness and the pain a million times again if it meant you could be here with me.
I wish you could have seen all of the lovely things we had picked out for you. Everything was ready at home for you, from loads of cute little clothes, to your pram, your bassinett, your cot, and your nursery. I learned how to knit so that I could make lots of little things for you. I had already made booties, a hat and the sweetest little cardigan just for you. I had plans to make jungle animals to go with your nursery theme.
Daddy, Jacob and I have moved back to England now. It would have been too hard for us to be in that house, in Italy, without  you. Nothing felt right with all of your stuff put away. I still can’t believe that we never got to bring you home. I so was looking forward to being home with you and watching you grow up. I guess now I will have to live with wondering what you would be like now instead.
I want you to know that I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there with you when you got taken to the NICU. If I wasn’t so poorly myself, I would never have left your side. I don’t think there is anything I could regret more in the world. I hope the doctors and nurses took good care of you, and that you weren’t too scared.
Seeing you after was nearly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. No parent should have to see their baby completely still, not crying, and cold. But leaving you there was even harder. How was I supposed to come to terms with the fact that we would never get to bring you home, not get to watch you grow up?
You were so loved from the moment I found I was pregnant. Seeing my belly grow was so strange, and feeling you move even stranger. But I felt so lucky to have you, and to me it was so special that I got to know you in that time. Nine months I spent getting to know your habits, which foods you liked, what music made you wiggle around. And I wouldn’t give that time back for anything.
I miss you so much.
Love,
Mummy xox

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