Miss You - Customizable Name Graphic

I have decided that it might be nice to do something for some of my lovely readers.

If you would like one of the following graphics, customized with your baby(ies)'s name(s), please just leave a comment below with the details.

Please like the Dear Finley facebook page and I will upload your photo to the Miss You Name Graphic album.

A Letter to my Husband on Father's Day

Dear Steve,

 

I know you will probably never read this letter, but I will write it just the same.

 

How very different this day should be for you. I know it's not your first Father's Day since becoming a dad, but last year we were barely holding on. I had only just gotten back to England and everything was still so fresh and raw.

 

I hope that you know you are still a daddy. I could never have asked for a better father for our son or for our future children.

 

You have been my rock. You held me up when I wanted to die. I don't know how you found the strength to carry me as well as yourself through the past months, but I'm so grateful to you for just being there.

 

Life has been unfair to us, to you. I know how much you were looking forward to having a son to share our lives with. I know that your heart broke right along with mine, even though you don't always show it. Nobody deserves happiness more than you, and I hope that in time as our family grows, we will get to feel that happiness again.

 

I love you so incredibly much,

Lisa xxxxxx

 

 

 

Jealousy

Somebody please tell me that the jealousy gets easier in time.

 

So far this week I've had three pregnancy announcements - two from friends expecting rainbows, and one from a friend who has undergone IVF to get pregnant. My initial reaction is overwhelming happiness and excitedness for them, as obviously all three of these wonderful women have been through so incredibly much to get to this point. But then comes the sinking feeling in my stomach. I am completely jealous.

 

We are now 15 months past Finley's death. Nearly two years past the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time and my anticipation of becoming a mother began. And we are still no closer to even trying to conceive a brother or sister for Finley, let alone bringing a baby home.

 

It is hard. I wish that I could say I am okay with this. But as time goes on, my heart just hurts that I am not yet on the journey of having another baby.

 

When I was pregnant, my goals for life changed so much. Suddenly my career didn't really seem to matter. I just want to be a mum. I feel like there is nothing else that will fulfil me now, and when Finley died, I genuinely feel like my entire planned life was snatched away from me along with him.

 

For us, having a baby was a decision. We weighed our decision, and made it together. I don't know how to go back on that decision that we made; I can't go back on it. For two years now I have been waiting, waiting, waiting. And everything just feels so empty.

For those of you who have been here - how did you cope? Because I feel like I'm the only person in the world (I know...dramatic) who has had to wait *THIS* long to try for a rainbow.

Tornado Terror

Yesterday started off like any other work day - 5am alarm, drag myself out of bed, throw on some clothes and drive to work. As the morning wore on, we started to hear reports of a really bad storm cell moving towards us and we began following it closely online.

 

Various weather watches were put into effect, and as the storm loomed ever closer, the watches started turning into warnings.

 

And then they were tornado warnings.

 

You'd think after growing up in Alberta and seeing so many of these types of storms that it would seem like no big deal. I don't know if the internet and social media contributes to the panic people feel in situations like this, but as photos and stories were posted online, and the storm grew in strength, we became more and more unsure about what to do.

 

I work on an open (oil and gas) construction site that is basically in the middle of an open field. There is a lot of heavy equipment. I work in the office - a temporary trailer that is towed and propped up on site for this purpose. There is no foundation to the building, and definitely no basement.

 

Our site was only supposed to be hit by the edge of the storm, but of course it shifted direction and headed straight for us. We watched as the black clouds began to roll in, and the winds picked up.

 

Mammatus Clouds
often indicate severe impending storm

I love watching storms. I love the thunder and lightning and cloud formations. But after we went outside and saw the mammatus clouds, the wall cloud and how much the sky was swirling, it became apparent that if something were to happen, it would happen quickly, and we wouldn't be safe where we were.

 

A lot of the guys who work outdoors had already left, and as time wore on other people began to panic. People were leaving in a hurry, and eventually I decided to join them. The thought was that I would actually be safer in my car or outside than in the flimsy trailer. I ran to the car (wearing a garbage bag to keep dry) and drove through one of the heaviest downpours I have seen in a long time. The entire sky was black, there was lightning, and I had no idea at that point if leaving was the right decision.

 

This storm cell moved in so quickly

Swirly Clouds

Wall Cloud
these types of clouds often form tornados

I had to stop at a red light and actually saw a mother and baby moose running in the ditch. They looked panicked and as though they were trying to find shelter. My car kept hydroplaning on the road. But as I got further from work and closer to the city, the sky began to lighten and the radio advised that the warnings had lifted.

 

It was all a bit intense, and by the time I got home, the sun was shining and I was exhausted.

The sun was shining when I arrived home.